AN HONEST PROPOSAL

People talk all the time about the right to smoke
and the civil liberties involved
and the freedom of expression
and how
the loss of the cigarette
is the loss of the soul of America
and that if we are true patriots
out last breath
should be coughed.

I have little against those arguments
(other than the fact that smoking is stupid)
but there’s another issue at play
one I’ve never heard before
and it must be addressed:

What about the trees?
Who is giving a thought to our green, rooted friends
who suck the carbon monoxide
like we suck air.

They need it.
They thrive on it.
If we restrict the smoking of humans,
we restrict the breathing of plants
and we love then too much
for them to suffer, right?

The poor plants of America have rights too
and we must protect them
until the end.

Hm?
Carbon dioxide?
Not…
Well, surely
the logic applies to a CO, too?
Look, my girlfriend can’t seem to quit.
Help a brother out?