Dude: I am so sorry
for fucking your girlfriend.
I don’t know what came over me
other than an overwhelming urge
to ejaculate unprotectedly
into someone to whom
you recently declared eternal love and appreciation.
Looking at your face right now,
I feel guilty about it,
believe you me.

I feel like I owe you something.
You want me to get you a smoothie?

Of course, I’m not the only one due an apology.
She holds some responsibility too
your little girlfriend there.
She’s the one suggesting we do it in your bedroom
me wearing the your hat
which I thought was a little weird
but exciting, too,
you know what I mean?
Anyway…

I wonder if it would make you feel better
to see the pictures we took?
I could send you the link
if you’d like…

Look:
in retrospect,
I see the error of my ways
and have learned my lesson.
In the future,
I will not fornicate
amongst your friends and family
at least without permission.

But again,
please accept my apologies.
I’m sorry for sexing up your girlfriend
and your grandma
and your son.