The Times tells me
that the overweight are at lower risk of dying
which fits well with my long-term plans.
If weight decreases the threat of mortality
then my greater girth
may grant me immortality –
and soon, if my savaged scale
is any evidence.

I had planned on making no resolutions
this particular year
but having downloaded this article title
I now know
that soon
nothing will threaten my eternal life on this planet
but stroke, cancer and heart disease
and diabetes, sloth and gravity
and, of course,
the size of a target I soon shall be.

Thank you, Times,
for teaching me so much
and gifting me with this revelation
that has changed everything.