My name is Jon Berger and I am an asshole.
My name is Jon Berger and I am a jerk.
My name is Jon Berger
and I was born on the twelfth day
of the twelfth month
of the twelfth year
of the Twelfth Century.
My name is Jon Berger
and I lie a great deal.

My name is Jon Berger and,
if I wanted to impress one thought upon you today,
it would be that I am indecisive.
Or an asshole.
Or that I’m Batman.
My name is Jon Berger
and I’m bad at keeping secrets.

But there are some things
I’m proud to shout to the rafters
and
I want you to know
tonight
and every other night
that my name is Jon Berger
and…