If I were Tom Lehrer
I would not have retired
from songwriting so early.
I would not have produced
so few albums
and I would certainly not continue teaching
some stupid snotty
students
for so long
when a higher calling
was so close
so viably within reach.

If I were Greta Garbo
I would have kept my face
in the public eye
being sure to define my own story
and not be controlled by the vagaries of fafe.

If I were Roger Waters
I wouldn’t have left the band.
If I were Syd Barrett
I wouldn’t have gone crazy.
If I were Richard Wright
I wouldn’t have died.
If I were Nick Mason,
I think I’d have been all right.

If I were Jesus
I think I’d have sought to promote my purposes
and gotten a handle on my branding
and kept a more civil tongue
and lasted a little longer

and definitely
I’d smite the Beatles
because of Lennon’s big fucking mouth.

If I were someone else
I’d be happier
Because I’d know what to do
because it’s always easier
to know what to do
from the outside.