I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday
so I jumped into my trusty time machine
and zipped back to when your mom’s water broke
but I had some peanut oil on my hands
when I calibrated the controls
and overshot by a couple of years
and, as happens in these situation,
the machine got a chronal flat
and I found myself
in your hometown
a year in advance of my anicipated arrival.

If my membership in the TTT
– Time Travelers of the Technoverse –
hadn’t lapsed
the machine would have just been fixed
a minute after it broke.
But it did
so it didn’t
and I was stuck there
in your prehistory.

I met your parents.
Your dad was kind of a jerk.
Your mom was kind of friendly.
The kind of thing
that never’s supposed to happen
happened and
long story short
I’m your dad now.

I should have told you sooner
only
I didn’t know
until I got back from the trip.
Anyway
want me to teach you
how to ride a bike?