I must admit
the song that I played you
that you loved so much
was not one one of mine.
I shouldn’t have let you think otherwise
and I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean
to insult your parents
when I suggested
that those who watched the History Channel
were likely retarded
and I hope
that your mother gets the promotion
to head of Programming.

I want you to understand
that I never intend to do anything
that will upset you
offend you
make you feel worse
about your myriad poor life choices
but
as you can see even in this apology
I am exceedingly good at it.

I’m sorry I shot up your aunt
and that she now has to go through recovery
all over again.

I am sorry
for everything I have done
and will do
and might consider doing
or you dreamed of me doing
and it will never happen again.

All right?
Are we good?