If I could do it again
I would have been more tentative
more suspicious.
When she said it was all for me
I would have asked probing questions
making sure that I could believe her.
But
even if I was more careful
had protected myself better
had dipped my toe in more daintily
she would still have been cruel.
Our time
would he ended up toxic.

There’s not much I could change
that would get me what I want:
a life with Chelsea.
Even though
I think about what she did
to me
to her sister
to that restaurant that hosted
her twenty ninth birthday party
and I know
it could never have worked out.

It could never have worked.
I know that.
I understand
but it doesn’t stop
me from wanting her
and wishing Chelsea would return.
It just doesn’t stop.
I miss her
though at the moment
I completely hate her.