Justin Remer tells me
that in calendar 2016
“Americans will have spent seven zillion dollars
(estimated)”
in the name of Valentine’s Day.

Saint Valentine would be proud
but Remer has also informed
that Valentine had long been in the pocket
of Big Candy
and Big Card.

I do not want
my hard earned seven zillion
to go toward funding
such disreputable industries.
I say “fie”
to those traditions of conspiracy.
No flowers
no dinners
no boxed chocolates
shall be bought or distributed.
No romantic poems
or even the pornographic kind
shall be composed
in that saint’s name.

No gifts
no balloons
no lingerie.
I will spend nothing
not do anything to help the Big V.
I will have none of it
and neither shall you.

And if you have a complaint about this thing
if you believe this logic false
or these proclamations parsimonious
then take it up with Justin
who put me up to this
in the first place.