Always say you’ll call
the next day
even if she’s already put out.

After spilling your seed on the sheets
offer to sleep in the wet spot.
Do not actually do so
but be sincere in your offer,
so sincere that she feels obliged
to bite the bullet.
Later, you might get her
to bite another bullet.

When you meet a drunk girl
wearing fishnets and the rest of the slut uniform
if she ends up unconscious at your place
don’t rape her.
She’ll be so appreciative when she comes to
she’ll probably fuck you anyway.

Do not date your cousin,
even if your brother claims she’s easy.

Write a dozen love letters a day.
Scatter them to the wind
and wait for them to return to you
buxom blondes in tow.

Hold doors for ladies
so you have a chance
to check out their asses.

Always overpromise.