Congratulations.
You’re not as pathetic as everyone says.
You’re nowhere near the embarrassment
we all had previously thought.

You’ve proven capable
of stringing several sentences together
and not offend everyone in listening distance.
Good job.

Whether you can capitalize
on this accomplishment
remains to be seen.
Can you avoid staring only at women’s chests
or boring everyone with your constant blather
about the socioeconomic repercussions of flatulence?
What about starting no arguments
with staff because you’re so fucking cheap?
We’ll see.

But so far, so good.
You haven’t fucked anything up
for a good three hours.
Keep it up:
only a lifetime to go.