Why do you approach
so tentatively,
crouched in pose,
eyes lowered?
I get that you’re nervous around me.
I don’t blame you:
If I were you,
I’d be nervous around me, too.

But I’m not really THAT big a deal.
I put my pants on one leg at a time
just like every other megasuperstar.
When you prick me,
do I not bleed AB Negative,
the very rarest blood type?

When you tickle me,
do I not shoot milk from my nose?

Look, if you
simply acclimate yourself
to my presence,
this will all get easier.
Just take it easy
and become more familiar
with my arcane ways.

And before you come across it
in the wild, know this:
mine is a purple penis,
angry, engorged,
early to arrive
and quick to come.
Just in case
you happen to witness
that kind of thing
in the future.

Well, anyway,
the future is overrated.