You young whippersnappers
might not have even ever heard the expression
"the best thing since sliced bread."
Oh how innocent you are!
How naive. Did you know
there was a time once
when bread wasn’t sliced?
Well, fuck, I didn’t.

But fuck it all,
what’s so good about sliced bread?
You look at a solid loaf of bread
and isn’t that just amazing?
Who wouldn’t want
to tear off a piece of that?

It gets a little stale
– your town piece –
and you toast it
and your chunk looks like
a blackened meteorite.
A hunka hunka burnin’ bread!
Yeoow!

This is the way we were supposed to live;
not with the namby pamby
regulation egalitarian slices between us.
Who seeks such serene equanimity?

I want back to the rougher age
of sliceless bread
of the pure loaf
when things were harder.
When men were men
and bread was white.