I think I won this time.
I think – for once – I beat them.
I gave the better gifts.
I outspent the enemy
and made them look like shit.
I was the victor
and the others were oppressed
by my generosity and goodwill.
Choke on that, motherfuckers!

My kindness and caring culled them all.
My cunning and consideration got their goats
– each and every one of ‘em.
I knocked them down, the suckers.
Oh, how the mighty fell,
feeling so superior
with their pretty pretty pretty presents
and those prized packages.
Where are they now, I ask?
All of them, beneath my heel,
thanking me, for my thoughtfulness.
Hell, yeah.

That’ll do, pig.
That’ll do.

Next year, I don’t know how I’ll up the ante
in ostentation and aggression
but they won’t know what’ll hit ‘em.
They will not imagine
the shock and awe that is to come.
Just you wait
until they get again
a load from me.