As a particularly rape-anxious individual
I’ve opted to purchase a Full Port Protection Yearly Package
from McCaFree (ironic, since their rates are so high).

It’s synced to my decision making capabilities mostly
so whenever I decide “no,”
the impenetrable wire mesh comes down
on any and all orifices
so no foreign objects intrude.

It also turns on when I’m unconscious
or in a semi-conscious state.

According to the internal tracking,
I’ve been protected from 18 foreign objects already.
It doesn’t let me know if these bodies
were popcorn, birdshit or errant penises,
but I’m glad for the protection anyway.

I’m happy for the McCaFree Package,
especially being locked in with this annual pricing.
That would be another kind of unwelcome surprise
I don’t need!