Now that we have all won,
we can discuss what went into our great victory today.
I don’t think it is any great secret:
our achievement came from cheating.

Just stealing points wherever we could,
using iron bats while our rivals used wood,
using evil schemes just whenever we could…
all of these plans inevitably would put us ahead
and we led our adversaries five to one,
and son of a gun,
like robbing nuns,
we fucking won!

I’d like to thank the academy of bad intent,
the internet of cruel inventions,
my associates in awfulness
for all that we have done together.
This victory is mine,
but you have also won
by watching me win it.

Thank you.