We, the victors, declare that we have won.
It wasn’t, like, even close.
We beat the other folks, hitherto to be known as “youse guys,”
soundly and roundly
and with indelible ease.

If you look at the scores on the battle,
you’ll see that on elegance, parades,
and uniforms,
it was a virtual sweep for our side,
even if the minor issue of battles
might have been harder to resolve quite so cleanly.

It does look like youse guys took us in combat, yes.
“Rout” could be used, I suppose,
but I prefer the term “one-sided tie.”

Still, we, the victors, will allow your submission at this point.
We look forward to the fax at your earliest convenience.