If I ever get out of this place, there’s gonna be some changes when I get back home.
If I ever get out of this place, I’m gonna finish reading the MASH novels.
If I ever get out of this place, I’m gonna look a damned sight different than this,
I can tell you that much for free.

If I ever get out of this place, I’ll have lost that fifteen pounds, gained that hair,
and made you laugh at least once first.
If I ever get out of this place, the sheriff’s gonna kiss my ass!

If I ever get out of this place, I’m gonna go out to the corner
and buy me one of them Frank’s hot and juicy red hots,
and I’m gonna swallow it whole.

If I ever get out of this place, I’m gonna thank the gods I’ve got,
make some new ones I don’t know, pay the tributes that I ought,
and get to work on my list of enemies.

If I ever get out of this place, I will thank my lucky stars,
and keep running away from the place
as fast and as far as I can with all due haste.