I understand she was victimized
many years’ ago.
I understand many were
so fucking many.
I understand I was unable to help at the time
I understand that vengeance is not mine to enact
even if I knew how.
I don’t understand how to help
or how to bring up helping.
I don’t know if bringing it up
is tearing at a scar.
I don’t know what to do.
Nothing has proven the best option.
Nothing
seems like a bad fucking option.
At the bus stop, the stranger
waved us away
making silent incantations
bizarre prestidigitations
and curious facial spasms
all at once.
We kept distance
but wanted to be seen by any drivers
looking for passengers
so didn’t go too far.
It wasn’t clear what the man was summoning.
Perhaps a bus?
But soon we saw
in his hands
a series of full-sized candy bars,
a Halloween cornucopia
and he without his wizard’s outfit!
Still, he played the part wonderfully.
He didn’t get on the next bus.
We didn’t see him at all
when we pushed off from the stop,
in fact.
It was as if
he disappeared
or maybe he was eating his candy
somewhere else.
My father, the teacher,
would tell us about the flora and fauna
we would see as we passed,
often unasked.
I certainly don’t remember ever asking him
what kind of tree or flower
we were looking at.
I can’t imagine that being of particular interest.
Dad had a particular bug
that when he didn’t know a plant,
he’d identify it as a Mimosa.
I didn’t notice.
I don’t know what a Mimosa looks like
and, if you recall, I wasn’t too interested
in the identities of plants anyway.
But I liked the subterfuge, so I use it, too.
It works in more situations than Dad thought it would, though. “What kind of reptile is that?”
“Mimosa.”
“Which department were you hired by?”
“Oh, Mimosa!”
“What time is the movie?”
“Mimosa, of course.”
I don’t know if people are more gullible than they used to be, or if they’re never listening to me.
Apparently, it was New Years’ when I stopped drinking
so it’s really easy to figure out
how long I’ve been sober, he said.
He never told me, of course.
I don’t think he stayed sober very long.
He was always wearing long sleeves.
I haven’t seen him for some time.
I wonder if he’s left town?
Because I have produced no offspring
it’s not clear who will take care of me
when I fall ill in my later years.
For a while I was fairly certain
I wouldn’t have later years
so it wouldn’t be much of a concern
but I’m taking better care of myself
so it’s something to think about.
My mother, bless her,
has reached out to her younger friends
to ensure that they’ll look out for me
as I enter decrepitude over the coming decades.
Some with children have agreed
to check if I’m still breathing
every now and then.
It is here that I pronounce my relief.
I have begun to take care of myself.
Maybe I will begin to build
the social network that will be there
when I grow weak
and we will have each other’s backs
into the twilight.
We will have to see.
If not, I need to have a different plan in place.
The other dayI was going to walk all the way
downtown
to meet her
but it was raining
so instead
I took the train
like every other
asshole.
Now
I’m telling you
as if
it were at all
important.
Jesus.
Who am I
anymore?
Once I claimed to be magic. Now I no longer know.
I used to be quite empirical in thought;
perhaps at this point I’m less so.
There is more to the world than the eye can behold.
Certainly that I can sense
but that doesn’t mean I control that stuff
or I could have once in the past tense.
It’s safer to say I was lucky
and that things that I wished for came true.
Would that similar fare could happen again
such as my knowing the likes of you.
Some people like to get away from the horrid smells
of the New York Streets.
Some folks like to hear their lives just cannot be beat.
I think that there’s better out there waiting for me to see. I could just taste it in South Hadley.
Up in Massachusetts, in the bitter cold,
you can feel that life is truly lived.
When a friend is generous, he’s truly gived.
I know I’ve got to have it; so give it all to me.
The life there of the Happy Valley.
It’ll be so pretty, living snowy day by snowy day.
Out of touch with the cities and their news.
I just need to have some of that country air.
How else can I explain it to you?
It comes down to Western Mass, it’s a pain in the ass
all that Town and Gown. But if I live up there, I won’t wear a frown. I’ll get what I’ve needed. I won’t ask for rhythm or rhyme. I’ll be in a South Hadley state of mind.
She thought she heard something in the nightbut he told her it was nothing
which he thought was placating
but she found annoying
so she stayed up
looking to find
what she had heard before
but she couldn’t see what she had heard
if you feel me
so she went back to sleep again
and remembered none of the incident
in the morning.
If this is just one of the dozens of universes where we exist,
then this is just one of the dozens of universes where she exists,
and that means there is still hope.
Just because the center could not hold here
does not mean
that there is not somewhere
out there
where we could be together.
I want her anywhere.
If she’s beside me, I know I need never care
there was a she that simply could not bare
a me that is not her pair.
Let me find her there, here, or anywhere.
jonberger 