jonberger

It was a bad idea from the start.
Madge, a two-time widow,
had only recently moved to her retirement home
and we were visiting.

We went out for a drive,
and Madge wanted to stop by her old house.
We couldn’t come up with a good reason not to
and though dementia was taking her faculties
she was able to direct us pretty easily.
We found work trucks outside.

When Madge got out
she was agitated.
“Who are you?” She cried.
“What are you doing here?”

It took a few minutes
for her daughter-in-law to appear.
Apparently, she and the son were moving in.
Either Madge had forgotten
or hadn’t been informed.

She wasn’t screaming
by the time we left
but she wasn’t comfortable either.

As we drove back
to the facility
her hand was shaking.
I brought my hand over
to cover hers,
to calm it.

When we arrived back
at her place
Madge thanked me
and we got her back to her room
where she could hopefully rest more comfortably.

She did
for a time.

Not as many things last through generations
as they used to.
I just passed a Mexican place
I ate at back when I was new to Mexican
when I was new to the neighborhood
when I was new to the scene
when I didn’t know so many people
and I took what kindnesses I could.

We’d been to a show at Luna Lounge
and got to talking outside of the place
then drifted to the corner
for like an hour
when she said,
“You wanna get something to eat?”
I did want to get something to eat.

San Loco was around the corner
so we stopped in
and sat with chips, salsa, burritos and drinks.
They didn’t kick us out for a long time.

She died some years later
in childbirth.
I didn’t think that happened anymore.

I never met the kids.

Our relationship is short
a subway station at best
and her back is to me
so communication between us is not the best
or extant
but I notice details during our short time together.
Only her thumbnail is painted.
Why is that?

Her down jacket is on her arm
while her maroon sweater
is the strangest color.
I have seen it so rarely.
It is quite fetching.

Her hair is long
and though I can gauge her shape,
I don’t know what she looks like.
Our relationship
will end without that knowledge.

And the the doors open
and I’ll be off
and perhaps we’ll meet again.
We’ll see someday.

When you write a folk song
but your folks don’t care.
When you write a polish joke
but it’s not polished enough.
When you write about justice
but it just isn’t right
so righteousness has been left behind.
When you suspect that you’ve been remote lately
so you haven’t been feeling your feelings.
When you want to finish this before it outstays its welcome but there isn’t time.

One job I had, I was working with a temp
and I was showing him the ropes.
I was providing instructions and scripting
for tech support emails
to him.

"While you’re getting used to it," I said,
"Hold off on sending mail out without me reviewing them first."

A couple hours later I was looking over some responses
to emails that had gone out.
Turns out he had skipped my review process
and one correspondence (at least) miscommunicated some info.
"Maybe he misunderstood," I thought,
but then I thought about what I relayed to him
and there was really no way for my instructions to have been lost.

I had to bring it up with our boss
who made the decision that he wasn’t living up to expectations
and didn’t need to come back
so the temp agency sent someone new.

I did that.
I held the power of life and death for this temp in that office.

Years later, I myself was fired from there
so the circle of life went round and round.
Good for me.

If you take a couple of seconds to search "ass in nine"
you’ll find that several fine artists
(let’s take "fine" with a grain of salt)
have illustrated donkeys with or near the number nine.

Sometimes it’s sculpture, sometimes it’s painting.
Always it’s punny.
It never takes much to find these works of art
(let’s take "work" with a grain of salt).
Just some basic web-searching.

The results are
the correctly-spelled version
of the initial search.

As the diet get thrown out the window
along with the resolutions
I’m looking for some half-ass
to replace the full-ass ass
that is growing at a prodigious rate
at this time.

If anyone sees any on Maude’s List
or Gargle or any such place things could be found
send ’em my way.

Much appreciated!

• Bribe bullies.
• Hypnotize yourself into martial arts mastery!
• Befriend mean girls in JHS who will skewer your enemies at any age.
• Time machine to throw pies in opponents’ faces before they ever met you.
• AI dance moves,
• Become celebrity and lord it over other people.
• If these don’t work, you’re gonna need some whole-assed ideas to see you through.

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
do dangerous things that will provide short-term satisfaction.
High-risk pleasurable activities
will yield immediate returns
with the greatest chance of
completing the culmination of your years
so it’ll all be over in a hurry.

Enjoy today, end tomorrow.
Everything’s gravy (assuming you like gravy, of course).

Food for thought, eh?

If you rush, you’ll get things done.
The quality’ll be questionable,
but perfection has always been the enemy of good
and good has always been good enough
so if you want a mediocre accomplishment completed,
speed through.

That’s my quickie advice to you.