I eat better than I used tobut I still don’t eat well.
The big lesson I’ve learned
(through pills that make me learn this)
is to eat less.
I used to eat to excess
with exception frequency.
I don’t do that anymore.
The quality of my meals
is still crap
but the quantity
– that’s a lesson I’ve locked up.
It’s a sip I’ve swallowed.
I am afraid to ask
though I know
that being asked for help
brings you closer to the person asking.
If I were to ask
I’d be building bonds.
I’d be making friends.
I’d be gaining allies.
It wouldn’t be a matter of admitting weakness.
or ignorance or shame or anything else.
It’s admitting an understanding of your limits
and a willingness to collaborate.
Asking for help makes you better able to get things done.
If I say it enough
I may believe it.
When the new boss came around
I told him that the business was evil
and he asked me for proof
so I spent the day
collecting incidents
from our customers
where they felt cheated
by our byzantine
charges without permission
and without refund
and by the end of that day
I was fired.
Before then
I had a pretty sharp tongue around whatever office
I was in
and I’d hear people say
“You might wanna be careful,”
and I’d respond with,
“I have never been harmed for being honest in the office.”
What a jerk.
I keep a bit quieter now.
Of course since then
my offices
have made it a point to decentralize
so workers have less opportunity to chat.
One of the benefits of remote workers, I guess,
subtle conversations kinda disappear.
No matter.
I have much less to say.
I got no motivation to speak out
about what my company is doing.
What purpose could it serve?
But the other day,
there was this policy
that seemed like it was gonna bite us in the ass
if we don’t get proactive
and they just closed the ticket –
not important.
Let it go.
If you could be the one
to command the attention
of the center of the culture
and make him beg to break
that culture, defy it. Deny it.
If you could be the one to encourage
all forms of difference
in all sorts of people
to be mocked and questioned
and hated
for what you’ve done
for generations.
If you could be the one
to be central to the culture
by being apart from it.
You, then.
You get a ballad, too.
Rejection’s a whole lot easier to take
when it’s preceded by a bit of acceptance.
I can swallow a dozen no’s in a row
by someone who gave me a little hope in the first place.
That slightest possibility of another yes
leads me on so far
I will walk the plank
as far as a telescope
which is not especially safe on a trimene,
if you see what I’m saying.
Better to just take a bitter man’s advice
and assume misanthropy takes the day
and nobody wants anything to do with anybody.
That’s usually the case.
But where would we be
if that was the case?
No.
I just can’t accept it.
Bitterness can’t be the only way.
There’s something else, perhaps, I hope.
Maybe.
Absolutely not! Some costs are too dear.
I could not ask anyone to pay
an arm and a leg.
Who could afford that?
But part of a face?
And on an ugly one like yours?
I think that is quite reasonable.
Tell me, if you couldn’t smell for a spell,
wouldn’t that be just as well?
And if you couldn’t hear
for the rest of your years,
just how sad would you be, here?
I think the payment would be fine, sir,
just for you to give part of that skull.
A little bit of what is you
to prove that you want what I have
is a penurious price to pay.
With that in mind
do we have a deal?
I don’t want to say “No”
because I know what it’s like to hear.
Surely, everybody does
but the way I feel,
I don’t want to be responsible
for causing that in others,
not if I can do otherwise.
So I do what I can
to work with people’s wants
though I think of myself
as sort of a selfish so-and-so.
When someone goes to the effort of asking,
I know how hard that can be
so I try to be helpful.
I see how I can be there for them.
It is good
to be there for people
though often
quite inconvenient.
…It’s just that I’ve been so busy, is all.
I appreciate you reaching out so much
but the dog-walking takes up a lot of time
and my eyelashes require a lot of work
to say nothing of the pill sorting.
Really, you wouldn’t believe how the hours go!
Thanks for thinking of me. It’s very kind indeed.
There’s a way to listen to find the truth.
Just pay attention. Be ruthless
in looking for the signals.
Just keep digging until you find the hints that you need.
You needn’t plead to find your answers.
They’re fleeting, like dancers.
You just have to catch them. You just have to look.
You just have to listen.
…listen, I’m so thankful for the offers, but I can’t.
I’ve been sick.
I didn’t get your message.
My phone’s acting up.
I’ve been on a cleanse.
I’m going through some changes.
Something just happened.
I’m really not ready.
It’s not you.
You just have to listen.
They’re easy to hear
if your ears are ready.
When you say “I won’t take ‘No’ for an answer,”
you seem to believe that’s a good thing,
but it’s not.
You’re forcing your belief upon another, here.
You’re seeking to command where you have no right.
Maybe it’s time to take “No” for an answer.
Maybe it’s time to shut the fuck up.
I could elaborate, but then I’d be forcing you to listen
when you probably don’t want to
and I wouldn’t want to do that.
You understand the concept?
I’ve been trying and it has been too long coming
but I do not believe that I am any better now
at accepting rejection
than I have ever been.
It is still hard.
I still fear it.
I still avoid it at every opportunity.
I find stasis better than risk
which is foolish.
Nowhere is not better than daring.
I know this
but I too often
do not live this.
I have little improved at accepting the world’s pains
than I’ve ever been.
How can this change
without my concerted effort?
Why do I continue
as this fluff-puff nothing much man?
Will I ever improve?
Can I ever really learn
this so important skill?
jonberger 