jonberger

I have learned something important today
something I did not know before
or if I did
I clearly forgot it
and have violently rediscovered
just now.

Perhaps it was a blocked memory
some revelation I have absorbed
on many earlier occasions
but have refused to retain.
Or maybe I cannot understand
why such a thing would be so
that it is so simply inconceivable
that no matter how often I am told
I cannot continue to remember.

I don’t know
and can’t figure out
why I must be constantly reminded
that Christopher Nolan
had a film before Memento.
How hard is that to recall?

What were we talking about?

I don’t want to make too big a deal
out of this but
I think I’ve done something good
and I deserve a lollipop.
Where’s my fucking lollipop?

I have not raped a single girl
in this last week.
I mean
I haven’t raped anyone ever
but could I get a smidgen of credit for it?
At least this last week?
That’s all I’m asking for.
That and a lollipop
and maybe a date on Friday night
with benefits.

Nothing?
Judas’ Flippity Priest!
I see the bowl of sweets right over there…
Look
if no one’s gonna reward me for my good behavior
I’m just taking a lollipop for myself.

What:
You think you’re gonna stop me?

Please take it.
This book
caked with dust
that you expressed some slight interest in
is one that has held a place on that bookcase
for far too long
with no movement whatsoever.

It holds little interest for me
though can hold other volumes above
and I doubt I’ll get around to breaking its spine
in this lifetime.
Take if off my hands.
Keep if off my shelf.
Take it home with you
until you can find
an even more suitable home
unread.

While you’re at it
please take my plastics out
as well.

The men’s room in Tompkins Square Park
has no doors on its stalls.
Really
they’re more like cubicles.

When I was in second grade
I had to go really bad
but the boys’ room
though not in Tompkins Square
had no stalls
so I held it in
until I didn’t
and then had to be excused
to go home
and get cleaned up.

At the time
it seemed somehow
less embarrassing
to shit myself
than to risk the chance
that someone might see my dick
tucked between my legs
as I sat on the toilet.

Was it the vulnerability?
I don’t know
and I don’t know
what I did
vis a vis the toilet
for the next four years
but it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.

I’m fine heading to the center of the park
becoming the center of attention
as I center myself on the throne.
Let ’em look.
I gotta poop.

Next time, though,
I may opt
to head to the sidewalk
instead.

Twenty five years ago
we’d been separated for three months
and I was considering
however faintly
a life without you.

I still had dreams of you
far too often
at the time
and thought
with the right opportunity
we might renew our love
(Perhaps that opportunity might require
the same alchemy of alcohol and shame
that connected us at first).

It didn’t happen
as you well know
but we remained civil
as you found partners better suited for you
and I found my own comfort
in solitude.

When you moved away
I coincidentally left, too,
finding myself both far away
and distant
from you.

We didn’t talk for so many years
but now
newer technologies have made it child’s play
to think of you again
though apparently
not enough
to remember,
at the time,
the twenty fifth anniversary of our breakup
or the start of our relationship
two months before.

The drunk woman
sitting next to me in the park
in the midst of the day
told me to buy Centipede stock
which is strange
because my drunk friend Christie
was just yesterday complaining
about a centipede
in her place.

I am not one who is much for coincidences
so I called my stockbroker
who was also drunk
and ordered up a hundred shares of the stock
which he claimed did not not exist
but I complained and I demanded
quite belligerently, I might add,
and finally
my broker relented.

So I’m waiting
for my ship to come in on this stock
when I remember: the drunk woman said Caterpillar
not Centipede
and now I have to call my broker back
but I can’t find my phone
or remember the broker’s number
or name
and now I’m beginning to wonder
if I dreamed up Christie, too.

It’s been a strange sort of day.
Also: I’ve been drinking.
Did I mention that?

It’s been a while
huh?

I was gonna pay you back
I swear
but life got in the way.
I got distracted
by the impeachment
and AOL
and nu-metal
and a host of other timely references.

You could have reminded me
more than you did
about the debt.
You could have told me
you had surgery
or whatever else you needed the money for.
I would have
done something,
I guess.
I could’ve, at least.

I’m happy to pay you back now
of course
though
it appears
I’m a little unliquid today.
I’ll definitely repay you next time
and hey,
can you get this drink?

So this is how the world ends:
with a bang
and a wimper
and a rattle and cry.

The world ends a thousand ways
every day
as the world that was
changes into
the world that is.

They say that every seven years
a human being becomes entirely different
as all of its parts are renewed
transformed from their previous state.
A human has only 206 bones
(from what once was 230)
and the earth has at least twice that number
of things within it.
How quickly can the planet
become something new?

Daily
the world refreshes.
Minutely
the world transforms.
We witness it all the time
but are immune to its wonder
perhaps because
we mortals
are so used to death

Just so
we are equally unconcerned
with life bursting all around us.

We just lost a big one.
One of the greatest champion
models the world has ever seen
is gone
and we may never see his like
again.

That photo
where he’s standing over the other guy
taunting?
Amazing.

That other one
where he hit four brits
with a single punch?
He should’ve earned a belt for that
reading FOUR IN ONE BLOW.

There are lots of pictures
where you see him shirtless
powerfully punching
conquest after conquest.

He took an amazing action shot,
that guy.
He deserved every little bit of his fame
for being so photogenic.

It was an accident.
It wasn’t what I meant to happen
at all.
I should have been more careful
paid more attention
slowed down.
It should have happened differently.
It shouldn’t have happened at all.

I didn’t meant to do it.
I oughtn’t have
It wouldn’t have
I
I’m sorry.

God
I’m sorry.