jonberger

I cannot picture my old classroom.
The order of the American Beatles’ albums
are lost to me.
I don’t have any sense
what car to stand on to get out at 14th Street
let alone which door.
I am losing things
things that used to drive me
constantly.

I am getting old
and forgetful
and driving out data points
that I once effortlessly maintained.
All the appearances of Julie Landers
on ABC sitcoms
are erased from my hard drive.
Is it because I stopped accessing this information?
Is it because more important things have replaced them?
Have I reprioritized my memorization systems
or am I now senile?

There was an old show
I saw
or a movie or song
that addressed this situation perfectly.
What was it again…?

We were both giving blood
and you commented on the book I was reading
by Jesse Andrews
and you said that you had read it
and had loved it
and I made a point not to say
and I love you
because you might not have noticed me staring
the last two times
we had given blood together
and I was trying to keep it cool
and hopefully you didn’t notice
but just thought I WAS cool
and not attempting to be.

I mentioned that I knew Jesse Andrews
and you didn’t seem as impressed
as you could have
but you kept the conversation going
until I was done giving blood.
I tried to stall
and slow down the amount escaping my vein
but there was nothing for it
and I eventually had to abandon you there.

I tried to figure out your schedule of donation
so we could meet again
but soon after
I got into this accident
and gave a lot of blood at once
so I lost track of you
at the Red Cross.

Now, though,
there’s this new Jesse Andrews book,
The Haters?
And maybe you’ve already read it
but I haven’t
and
I was wondering
maybe
could you possibly lend me your copy?

Things that people like
are stupid.
They might have been cool
back in the day
before they were co-opted,
but once everybody else got on board
things that people like
just sold out.

I am so sick of things that people like
and wish
society could return
to no longer liking things
that they currently like
and get back
to liking the important things
like pork pie hats
and bacon scented sewage
and artisan boars.

Things were simpler then,
easier.
I miss those days
before people liked things
that people like.
Those were good times.
I liked ’em.

Yes,
while it’s true
that I could have “done something”
for Mother’s Day,
I don’t think
I should be judged too harshly
for refusing to remain subservient
to the corporate interests
that are slowly
seeking to suck every dollar
out of every sucker
who chooses to bow down
before the power of Big Card
and Big Helium Balloon
and Big Flower.

I remain
as I have ever been
an independent spirit
who wishes to focus on liberty
and life
and the pursuit of joy.
If that pursuit
means I must occasionally avoid
buying things for my mother
or even wishing her well
on this commercial holiday
then so be it.

Someone has to pay
for us to remain free
of Big Mother’s Day.
You’re welcome, Mom.
Now
can you fry me up
another half dozen eggs?

He would have liked the celebration.
Even if he took part in none of the activities,
even if he had barely been present
as he so frequently was,
even if he spent half the time in the bathroom.

He would have gotten a kick
out of the speakers
out of the decorations
out of the snacks
tastefully dispersed
about the room.

He wouldn’t have spoken much,
I don’t think.
He would have nodded as folks greeted him,
smiled a bit,
and stayed seated
through most of the proceedings.
He would have been polite
but little more.

Still,
I think he would have gotten a kick out of the day.
He would have appreciated
what so many people had to say about him.
It’s a shame he couldn’t make it.

That is possibly
the worst thing I’ve seen in my life.
Simply awful,
that thing was.
I don’t think
I’ve ever felt so unsettled
so vomitatious
so awful.

How many times
did I want to turn that thing off
and find some comedy
to wash away
the shame and trepidation
that rose within me?
How often
since watching it
have I wished I could forget
this day?

This… thing
I just saw
it makes me want to be a different species
so I might never have to consider such issues.
This thing
makes me want to die.

I did not enjoy one minute
of the experience.
5/5

I made my own
since you didn’t come by
with the chicken soup you offered me.
You promised me.
You swore you would bring it by
to care for me
in my hour of darkness.

You said you would bring me
your auntie’s special soup
to help me heal
reinvigorate
to strengthen me
and become what I once was.

But instead
it’s your absence that has strengthened me
showing me
how to care for myself
and become more independent
than I’d ever been.

I made my own damn soup.
It wasn’t as good as your aunt’s
but it was quite enlightening.

This is where we sat.
This is where we drank.
This is the place
where you and I came to conclusions
came to an arrangement
and where one of us came in our pants.
I’m not pointing fingers
since they might be kind of sticky.

We spent hours here
special hours
on special days
when we had time and inclinations
to share.
We talked and walked around here
and rolled and rocked over there
and enjoyed it, mostly.
Didn’t we?

I hope we did.
I know what I felt
but it’s harder
to recognize your point of view
since our arrangement came to an end
and began drinking
in different places.

We walked.
We marched.
We moved from place to place
seeking one that truly mattered to us.
It took a while
but we persevered.
We pursued perfection
and, finally, picked the prize.

We found a home
a good one
in a good neighborhood
with all the right accommodations.
Sure
it took us a while
and a whole lot of looking
but when you’re seeking the very best
isn’t it worth it?

I mean
who could possibly complain
after seeing the results?

A band that I really
really despise
came up
with an idea
that I really
really want to steal.

The band is like
the worst.
Just like it.
It’s their name:
The Worst
and
they chose that
because they strive
for sloth
grime and ineptitude.
These are their goals!

But
they have this excellent chorus
on this excellent song
– the only one in their catalog –
a catalog they rarely play these days
because of that aforementioned laziness.
These are bad dads, these cats…

I want that chorus.
I want to own it
revise it
remove it from their song
and place it wholly
into mine.
I want to
and I don’t believe they’d even notice
because they follow my stuff
about as much as I follow theirs
so the chance of their recognizing my theft
is infinitesimal.

I could get away with it to
if it weren’t for those crazy ideals
that keep me
in my own estimation
better than The Worst
which is a shame
because that chorus was gear!