jonberger

The thing in the cucumber salad may well have been Jesus,
but he didn’t admit it.
“I am not the almighty, my son,”
the bearded face said, “but I may still have some wisdom to impart.”

“Can you tell the future?” I asked.
“Oh,” laughed the face, “I don’t think you want any of my opinions on what is yet to come.
He looked at me and winked. “Do you?”
“Depends on what you’ve got to say,” I admitted. “So spill.”
“I see Six Splendid Horsemen,” the Salad intoned,
“and you will be helpless before their power, unless you eat your greens.”
“Of which you are one?”
“I’m the only one in sight, baby,” Jesus replied.
I shrugged and got to eating my cucumber salad.

It may not have been good,
but it did feel blessed.

It’s always errant behavior that does it, isn’t it?
Following this girl around
got me talking to her,
which got me writing about her
which got me reading the writing about her
– which is the performing that I love.

But it all starts with being unable to go up to a woman and start a conversation.
It all starts with sneaking up behind her for a while
until we’re in an elevator and I can say, “Oh, hello!” Creep.

Then again,
without the errant behavior,
there might not be much interesting to hear about in the writing,
so keep on creeping on, I guess.
Keep on creeping on.

In the spirit of the creep,
I looked up the lady I first wrote about.
She’s trying to option a children’s book.
I hadn’t realized at the time she had literary aspirations of her own.
Perhaps I should have listened more carefully.

I dreamed of the old man
being shocked that I was in the bathroom.
Who the old man was
is a curious question.

I didn’t seem to belong in the house
and the old man did
or maybe he used to.

Maybe neither of us belonged there now
both interlopers
neither understanding
how to explain the other’s presence
in the place.

It was weird
but that’s not a particularly compelling assessment
in relationship to dreams
so I think I may now be about ready
to go back to sleep.

You want five? Five is fine. Five will work like a fine wine.
We can make it in and out. No muss, no fuss. No pain, no pout.
We’ll arrive just when you like. If you want, we’ll come by bike.
We are easy, can’t you see? There’s no problem. Disagree?

We’ll arrive at your discretion. It’s all simple; no dissension!
We just ask you make some space for our dear Uncle What’s His Face.
It’ll make no difference, he’s so small. You won’t mind, he’s no trouble at all.
To manage him, he’ll have Shirley. If it’s easier, we’ll come early.

Shirley? She’s his comfort tree. She’s less than four feet. Let her be.
She’ll hardly be in the way. Takes up no space. Has nothing to say.
We’ll need a ramp to roll her in. We’ll install it. Wires and tin.
Takes a few to stick to the floor. Maybe we’ll get there quarter to four.

All right, this is starting to gel! I think the plans are going well.
Looking forward to our meal. I hope you like we’re bringing veal.
Oh, yeah Uncle Face’s diet leaves him dining at the Hyatt.
Only they can feed him right. They’re dinner’s veal tomorrow night.

We’ve got enough for the whole table. We’re prepared, willing and able!
Don’t you worry, don’t you fret. This whole thing’s easy. Everything’s set.
We’ve got it covered. The whole thing’s good. You’ll have this meal in your neighborhood.
It’ll be live. There’ll be no jive. You’ll have your meal served right at five.

Trying the nonet for the first time
could prove harder than I now think:
it’s less syllables per line
so I’m shrinking each time
(syllabically).
Better start soon.
Wish me luck.
Okay…
Go!

Something in the fridge smells
and we cannot identify what it is.
We have sniffed at all the likeliest contenders,
looked at all the foods that could give off an odor
and just started picking things up
to see if they might issue a stench.

Nothing produced nothing
but opening the door releases something.
We haven’t figured it out yet.

We may have to go through a complete
process of elimination route.

Nothing else has worked so far.

If that doesn’t work,
we don’t know what will.
Maybe moving?

I prefer Reese’s Pieces
to Eminem.
It’s insane to compare the two, really.

Don’t call me a homophone!

The lesson I have learned recently
is that if you shave frequently
you don’t have to look your age.

Remove all the scraggly hair nonsense that keeps coming up
and you’ll seem somewhat younger.

Now whether it’s actually important to disguise your age?
That’s another question entirely.

The subjects that she was careful to never mention
the ones she knew were taboo
the things that could rip you apart
if she ever dared bring them up
– you bring them up.
Force her to discuss them.
Back her to the wall
and make her talk to you
about erectile dysfunction
and premature ejaculation.

All the verboten,
dredge it up.

That ought to do it.

I have often thought
life with you would be a breeze
now I have come to know
you would blow me away.

Things with you have never been easy
trying to know you.
Trying to know you.
Things would improve,
I have often thought.

I suspected that
once we reached our
accommodations
we would have an understanding, and
life with you would be a breeze.

It has not been so.
We have reached our accommodations.
We have understanding. I know you.
I know you.
Now I have come to know.

I never imagined the depths of you,
the possibilities, yet the inevitability within you.
It is so much to take in.
It is too much, were I to dare
you would blow me away.