We could have talked about it
I guess.
We could have discussed things
instead of flying into fury
and fighting for five fevered hours.
We could have remained calm
and taken things more lightly.
We could have been different people
I suppose
than the ones we are.
We could have just found ways
to let go
before exploding.
It might have been easier
had we done any of that.
Easier
had I done
any of that.
I’m sorry.
You bitch.
You sudden flaming pimple
on the face of this unholy world.
You and you’re holier than thou
“I know better than everyone else”
no-doubt Christian generosity.
You’re the one that put the tub
in the break room,
didn’t you?
You supplied us all with the 900 count
bucket of animal crackers
with that snide suggestive
“Enjoy.”
Goddamn it.
Goddamn you and your Trojan gift.
They sit there, chiding
calling me
– maybe all of us, but certainly me –
summoning me to them
insisting I partake.
I will.
I will eat of the beasts
and I will enjoy
and I will eat some more
and I will enjoy
and I will continue eating
well past joy
well past satiation and satisfaction
fight out their separate meanings in my tum tum
and then I will be sick
but still I will continue.
You did this, Debra.
You made me this way
today
requiring me to eat at least 500 animorphic cookies
– at least!
You have been the source of my downfall
and it was all wrapped in your
evil cauldron of charity.
Well played, Deb,
you monster.
Well played.
I can see
how you wouldn’t see it but
all the cleaning I’d been doing
I was doing for you.
For us.
I’d been trying
in my own dumb way
to build us a home
out of the few building blocks
at my disposal.
I thought
that shoveling the shit
out of my own Augean stables
would make my place
appealing to your face.
I thought I could do it.
I thought I had the strength.
The place remained too hideous
for you to see
of course.
It wasn’t even worthy
of your review
which applies to me as well
after I barred your entry.
It’s simply
I didn’t think you deserved
to have to go through all that crap.
My legs are sodden.
I want to stay hidden in shade
laying about
and enjoy this bed I’ve made.
I seek to stay home
but the quest goes on.
The cocoon of this comfortable couch
has its siren song
but I have a rock hard place
to visit tonight.
I have people to view
places to see
and leagues to go before I beach.
Soon
I will venture off
to the furthest lands of Brook
where I shall experience creatures
and prizes
I could not imagine
had I stayed home
in my safe and luxurious kitchen.
My kitchen with fresh lamb
and hot dogs
and donuts…
Maybe I’ll just stay home tonight.
Rome wasn’t built in a day
and Troy didn’t fall overnight.
Maybe there will be something to do
tomorrow.
I love her
but she thinks only of Tim
and Tim wants to date Jim
who is still broken up over Marybeth
whom, if I’m reading it right
is giving me the eye.
Why must it always be like this
where everybody wants someone else to kiss?
where no boy or girl or trans is above
applying to join a circle jerk of love.
Everybody wants somebody else.
It’s the human condition.
It’s the American Way.
It the state of never being satisfied
of always reaching new heights.
It is why our phones are blessed
with planned obsolescence
and why we leave jobs after two months.
Like cats to pigeons, envious that they’ve flown
we want what we fear that we never can own.
It is the way of the mortal our own unique quirk
our deranged engagement in love circle jerks.
Marybeth ignores Jim since their split last Fall
while Jim has no idea that Tim is nervously watching him
with my girl on his arm
– or, she’d be my girl
if she said yes
to the questions I haven’t asked
(The same questions she hasn’t posed to Tim at all).
Marybeth, meanwhile
will not give me a moment’s peace.
What is with her?
It’s been just this way since time has begun
the objects of affection just get up to run
when faced by an interest they hadn’t thought of
for seeking more suited – the circle jerk of love.
Why will you not renew our romance?
What parts of our history
do you take issue with?
What can I do
to get you to subscribe
to furthering our future?
How can I convince you
to invest in another season
of us?
Goddamn my stomach
and fuck this thing
that is running through me.
From nausea to incontinence
and back again
on a half-hour schedule?
What cruel God
brought this upon me?
What cunt crushing
diabolical deity thought
that this was the best way to spend an evening
– let alone a week?
Really, higher powers,
do you think
I have nothing better to do
than circle the bathroom
watching waste circle the the toilet?
Why have I done to you, God?
Seriously: eat a dick.
I feel dazed,
lame and lost.
I am tired
but sleep is a lost fight tonight.
I hate you, universe.
Kill me now
or lobotomize me
or deliver unto me
some motherfucking Rolaids
– stat.
I’m sorry I broke the kickstand
and the concession stand
and the bandstand.
I didn’t mean to cause so much harm.
All I sought to do
was be some help.
I hoped you’d appreciate my actions
and invite me to help some more
like some kind of social internship.
I hoped that my time
as your packhorse
might cement our relationship.
It did not work out as planned
obviously
and I’m sorry
and saddened
and seriously
Hope you’ll see it in your heart
to let me help again.
Once upon a time
over twenty years ago
I wanted to move to this neighborhood.
It was within my price range
but a bit more alternative than I was looking for
even though I was looking for an alternative.
I ended up feeling it was too far away from the action
so moved the other way
into Harlem.
Now
I am doing the crawl
entering club after club
that is catering to who I was
when I looked around here.
On this day
I have found a home
twenty years after I sought it.
Harlem was kind of cool
too
I guess.
There are moments of epiphany
instants of elegance found in miles of misery
like a kind word on a horrid day
or a fly found in your Chardonnay.
There are lessons to be found
in bad situations
and glorious findings in times of crisis.
It may be better
when you uncover glory
in the midst of the shit.
Perhaps you can appreciate it more.
Perhaps
a gorgeous harmony can be found
in the middle of that crappy show
with that idiot audience
and a shake machine going off nonstop.
Possibly
it was better that way
than if the insect escaped
your Chardonnay.
Conceivably,
The magic is more marvelous
when it needs to be earned.
Good show.
jonberger 