jonberger

If I don’t hear from you,
thanks.
If I don’t hear from you,
I’m glad we had the time we did.
If I don’t hear from you, understand:
I don’t blame you.
And be sure you understand that,
because I may not be saying it at the time,
may be saying the very opposite
in the heart of the moment
– but it’s just that,
the heart of the moment,
a pulsing bloody thing
that is too sensitive for its own good
and looking for some way to deflect fault
away from its own intense vulnerability.

…
Maybe I will blame you
a little
but understand,
if I don’t hear from you,
I won’t mean it
and I’ll get better
and I’ll be better
if you ever do see fit
to let me hear from you again.

If it were appropriate
I would write you a poem
singing your praises
praising your traits
trading on your lyricism.

I would declare your amazingness
decry you gloriotomy
declaim your neatitude.
I would state
for the record
how delightful
how down-to-earth
how demonically beautiful
you are
– demonstratively.

If I could
I would share such spirited concepts
with you.
I can’t though,
so I shan’t
– not now.
Not until it becomes somewhat
more appropriate.

(after Hal)
You keep looking at your phone
like something’s gonna change.
Nothing’s gonna change.
Nobody is calling you.
Nobody is texting you.
Nobody is facing your book
or Spacing your My,
Twittting or grinding you.

You aren’t being texted
or sexted
or even hexed
by anyone at all.

No one wants to talk to you
nobody cares.
You are alone in the world
with me here
and you are ignoring me
which makes it a wonder
that I am willing
to pay any attention to you at all.

You’re lucky
you have me
even though
you really don’t deserve me.

It’s a surprise party, I’ll bet.
That’s where she’s been.
That’s what she’s been up to.
She knew this was a big birthday
for me
so she went off on exploration
to build an event
big enough for the occasion.

That might be why her phone’s been off
and her closets emptied
and her accounts closed.
She’s traveling the world
looking for the best way
to celebrate me.
It’s really quite sweet.

I’ll be sure to act surprised
when she gets back
and unleashes whatever it is she’s prepared.
It must be big
considering how long she’s been gone.
I can hardly wait
for how this will unfold.

She no longer eats meat.
She’s been exercising,
reading and revisiting all her old
unhealthy activities.
She is reconsidering everything
in some sort of three eighths life crisis
and deciding carefully
what she needs in her life
and what can excised.

She is making resolutions.
She is rectifying former errors.
She is experiencing renewal,
undergoing evident renovations
in this personal renaissance.

She is done smoking
and drinking
and so many other things
and I pray to whichever dark gods
who believe in me
that there are some bad habits
she’ll choose not to break.

She says she is no storyteller
but
the way she walks
the way she talks
the way she smiles
the all speak volumes.
They all say so much

And in the small sentences
she selects to share
it is clear
that there is such depth
of mystery.
There is a tale
that simply must be uncovered.

She wants to have her secrets,
she wants to maintain some sensible distance from her past
and yet
despite herself
I can tell
she has a wealth of stories
she could choose to tell.

Are you already in Farnlandia?
I have not been paying close attention
to your posts
since you provided us all 101 ways to skin a bat
– and why you shouldn’t use any of them.

I want to know what’s going on
with you
but not enough to follow you carefully.
You understand;
like how you asked me about the wife
after I’d updated unceasingly
about our trial separation
and the death of our foster dog
and my cozy studio apartment
day after day
after lonely day.

You see, don’t you?
It’s just too much to follow.
Too much to care about.

That said, I’d love to hear
all about your trip to Farnlandia.
Are they a good people?
Tell me everything…

If you give me a moment
I can explain.
Why have you not heard from me?
I’ve been busy.
I’ve been involved in processes.
I’m making changes.

I have gotten new glasses
the better to see you with.
I’ve improved my allergy medication
the better to smell you with.
A more modern mouthwash has been made,
I’m told, so I’ve purchased a pallet
so our kisses can be peppermint fresh.

I want to be better for you
become a more inimitable iteration of myself
so we can ride off into some sunset.
The dentist is even getting my teeth fixed
so I am best prepared to eat you out.

…What?

We’ve had so little time together
time to share
mere days to develop anything between us
and
to think
we lost several days
because of miscommunication…
it makes me want to rail against heaven
scream over the lost opportunity
and hate a god that allowed the travesty
but
that would be such bad use
of the time we have left.

For so long
my thoughts were occupied
with this
– this opportunity to be free
to explore
to be off on some romantic adventure
but I didn’t anticipate
refused to consider
it might be without you.

Now
I cannot tell you how
I long for school.