jonberger

I love it when I’m told what to do.
You should do that to me always. That’s my view.
Free will? Who needs it? It’s like Pooh!
Everybody’s got it, but we should flush it! Oooh…

If you’ve got some advice, give it to me, post-haste!
I need other’s thoughts to live by. Life’s too short to waste.
Just gimme what you got. Just a little taste.
I’m prepared to take it. I’m all strapped in and braced.

Instruct me. Teach me. Warn me. Give me all of your shoulds.
Provide me words to live by, if you would.
You’ve got the lessons for me; I know they’ll be good.
Give me what I need, when you could.

Thanks for all the tips; I’ll take what I can.
With all the things that you’ve said, I’ll become a new man!
Any minute now, I’ll transform by your plan
into brand-new work-of-art that just began!

It’s happening! A change beginning to start!
I’ll be something else. All thanks to you and your part.
I’m becoming a creature not like before.
Oh no! I feel the need now to ROAARRR!

YOUR SHOULDS HAVE MADE A MONSTER OF ME.
YOUR WORDS HAVE SET THIS CREATURE FREE.
BUT FOR YOU, I’D BE A NORMAL GUY.
AS THANKS I’LL EAT YOU JUST LIKE PIE!!
<crunch crunch crunch>
Delicious…

You know that Oreos stole their shit straight from Hydrox, right? I don’t know why there isn’t lard in the streets over this century-long feud that should be going across this land.
The battle should be raging,
but maybe the war’s already lost.

Oreo is the world’s most popular cookie.
What has Hydrox done for you lately?

I just hope that Hydrox has something planned,
some kind of late-in-the-game strategy
to take back the hegemony they deserve…
I’m not a strategist for my preferred team.
I don’t know anything, and if I did,
this warning would be giving away information to the enemy,
but Oreo, keep your creamy eyes open.

Peter Case’s original group was way before my time.
So was his second group.
Even early Peter Case is before I was old enough to catch him live – but the Nerves existed when I was maybe five years old,
so pretty doubtful I was gonna sneak out
to the West Coast to catch any of their shows.

Their recorded output at the time
was a single EP
but it featured the pure pop
“Hanging on the Telephone.”
Heard of it?
Maybe you heard Blondie’s Top Ten version?
Thought so.
That was written by Jack Lee,
but his name didn’t rise as high as the other members,
Paul Collins and Peter Case,
both of whom I eventually saw.

I’ve seen Peter Case a couple of times:
both solo and with his second band the Plimsouls.
All versions are good.
If you find him out, give him a chance.

Everybody knows the Mad Jurist.
Stomping through streets,
making little mention of profession,
he creates commentary on the wildest of ideas.
ever whirling in thought, twirling a trillion ideas around,
speaking of them incessantly,
the concepts coming out randomly.
It’s really an incredible sight to see:
The Mad Jurist in action.

You’ll see him sometimes on slide trombone,
writing with an old chalkstone
or nibbling on a gnarled calfbone.
The Mad Jurist in action.

He sings songs with amazing plots.
He films tales with transporting shots.
He’ll quote stories with smart bon mots!

That’s the Mad Jurist in action!

With babe in hand and dog underfoot
the man will never ever be put
out as a host or a guest or a soot-
wearing thief of a Mad Jurist!

The apartment has been falling apart.
Barry says it stands to reason.
The materials used are cheap.
"You use rotting linoleum on the floor, of course a year later,
it’s gonna need to be replaced."

The two-year old refrigerator just got taken out
so a new one could come in.
At least this one is bigger, though it’s sticking out the front a bit.

A new front door should be coming in next weekend.

Until then, we’re just hoping that nobody comes into the building

to shoot up or try to rob us in the hallways.

The sink in the bathroom hasn’t worked in a while.
We’re making do.

The rent is still below city standards,

so we’re getting cheap for paying cheap.

Karma continues.

kill the cowboy
kill the native
native loves the land
native loathes the cowboy
cowboy loves the land
cowbay eats the land
land used by man
land raped by man
man steals trees
man kills water
water poisons land
water poisons man
man eats poison
man poisons man
man kills man
man kills native
native kills man
native kills cowboy
cowboy kills native
cowboy kills cowboy
cowboy kills native
native kills native
native loathes native
native loathes self
self loathes self
self loathes everyone
everyone kills everyone
everyone makes bomb
bomb makes death
death loves man
man loathes self
man loves more
more builds hope
more builds more hope
hope builds more
hope builds more trees
trees raped by hope
trees used by hope
hope kills native
hope kills man
man kills more man
man kills hope
hope loathes native
hope loathes cowboy
cowboy kills man
cowboy kills self
self loses hope
self loses more
more
hope

I cloister for four months
waiting out the cold
simply sitting inside
curled and covered
encircled in heat, protection,
wool and socks to guarantee
that none of the chill overwhelms me.

I will not live a slave to the weather.

I wait out winter
until Spring strikes
and then my allergies attack
and with them, my Daily Drill.

I begin my regular addiction behavior
with Big B,
coming out for the good stuff like clockwork.
Anytime I can get the stuff, I do,
to make sure the itch is scratched.

Benadryl is my savior,
my protector,
my best friend and my confidante.
It’s what gets me through the nights and days.

It’s how I survive my favorite season.

I bless the reign of Benadryl.

Did you know I just had to look hair buckle up?
Mostly because I thought I was creating the term.
I have not used a hair buckle in several lifetimes
– and since I don’t believe in reincarnation,

that’s like, ever.

A hair buckle would hold your hair back, I guess.
It’s not the sort of product I think much about.

Fashion isn’t really all that big a thing to me.

If you want a hair buckle, more power to you.
Personally, I don’t give a chuckle.

If you open a window, a bird might come in.

If a bird comes in, you might get shit on your sheets.
If you get shit on your sheets, you might go to the laundromat,
If you go to the laundromat, you might meet the love of your life.
If you meet the love of your life, you might break your heart.
If you break your heart, you might get a new heart.
If you get a new heart, you might become super strong.
If you become super strong, you might join a super team.
If you join a super team, you might become a superstar.
If you become a superstar, you might meet someone new.
If you meet someone new, she might break your heart.
If she breaks your heart, you might become weak.
If you become weak, you might sit at home and open a window.
If you open a window, a bird may come in.
If a bird comes in, you might hear a song.

She wore the Batman shirt
cutoff and tight

pale skin and bright red lipstick.
I never dreamed it was bright red with BLOOD
– because it wasn’t.

“Blood Red Number Nine,” she explains,
”but I am a ghost.”
“How’s that now?”
“I’m a GHOST!” She repeated, but somehow,
I heard “Goat.”

This led to a series of humorous false impressions
that followed us for weeks
– not the least of which were erotic –
that I shan’t get into here.

Just let it be said that when I cried “Bah!”
it wasn’t followed by “humbug.”