jonberger

One time, I swore I could eat a thousand raisins,but I didn’t even get to eat a hundred raisins,
because my mom wouldn’t give me more than ten raisins
so I stopped at about five.

It’s not that cool a story, really…

I am frightened of introducing conversation
with the prostitutes on my block
for fear of suggesting I wish for their wares.
Particularly because of the hours I keep
– I usually come in after midnight,
when they’re out and about,
and though I’d like to be polite and friendly,
I don’t want that mistaken for business-curious.

If I could bridge that gap,
I think I would be a more socially aware person.
I have not consciously interacted with prostitutes before.

If I knew what to do,
I would know what to do.

The doctor said, “Let us make a change on your regular schedule of medicines.”
And I said “All right,” because that was the reason I had gone to her that day,
and she pronounced, “you shall now begin to take a new potion!”
but the potion board did not agree and they said so.

I am now waiting for a consultation between the doctor and potion board
to decide what is best for my health
– not because the potion board has my best health in mind
(probably the very opposite) – and then, perhaps,
better health will come my way.

Something to look forward to.
Something to hope for.
Something that will take days and days,
apparently.

The 103rd Quora window tab
didn’t need to be opened
any more than the 84th Quora window tab
or the 47th or the 29th
or the 15th or third.

Quora wasn’t a service that needed to be utilized at all.

I didn’t need to look up the answer to
“What is the most shameless thing you have ever seen a teacher do?”
or “What is the funniest joke you’ve heard about British Parliament?”
or “Sexy Do-Gooder Picture Worth 35000K Likes Here!”

Still, here I am.

I should close these windows.
I will close these windows.
I am closing these windows.

Shit, one more peek can’t hurt…

If I could give some advice
and leave it real short and precise,
I would not be the lunatic
to present it as a limerick:
That advice would just not suffice.

You can spend all the day pushing levers
but the process could take you forever
to find fortune and fame
just keep spouting your name.
That’s how presidents do it; they’re clever!

“The writing’s on the wall,” she said,
“If you don’t help me, I am out”
and strode past many dozens dead.
“The writing’s on the wall,” she said,
again – still uttered without dread
lacking bleats and weep and pouts,
“the writing’s on the wall,” she said,
“If you don’t help me, I am out.”

It’s rare to be recognized for your own unique self.
“Is Jon Berger here tonight?”
“That’s me!”
“Because I saw his name on the list, and I was just looking around…”
“It’s me. I’m here!”
“Great. It’s me, Baby Monroe.”
I knew. Baby Monroe was one of the stars
of the AntiFolk scene before my time.

He’s mentioned recognizing me a couple of times before.
Maybe I wasn’t a sweaty mess on those other occasions.
“Great to see you,” he said.
“I’ll see you at the club,” I said.
We parted ways.
He recognized me!

Sort of.

Barely scraping by, I wonder what I will be able
to pull together today.
I hear screeches out my door. I hope that no more
will follow as the woman passes by
but she may continue
as she walks on this empty Sunday street.
I do not know if she will pass by my window sill
again this evening. I’m hoping hers was a one-way path.
There is little left to say, but I’ll continue anyway,
since I’ve got an urge to get to the end of the line
which I guess has happened.

There are so many things you know are right
but you are simply not prepared to invest in:
getting a good night’s sleep
applying the Golden Rule
returning the cart to the front of the store
being a vegan
not murdering someone who cuts you off on the thruway
using the metric system.

It is simply hard to make these actions a priority
but it would be good to try.
These are points toward getting you
into
your non-denominational heaven
should you even believe in such a thing.

As a guy who can’t do one of the items mentioned
I encourage you to do all of them
and many more
on your way to being a better person.
It will do you no end of good.

So go.
Get to work!