WHEN EVERYTHING ACHES

I’m too old for this kind of shit,
staying out late
after drinking at noon,
trying to keep up with a girl
an eighth of my age.

I did the math,
using a formula
I was able to develop
on a spreadsheet
that was outdated
a few iterations ago.
According to calculations,
I was trying to date girls
that could have been her mother
– and back then,
they were underaged!

I’m too old for this shit.
I shouldn’t be hanging with girls like that.
I should be hanging with mature girls.
Responsible girls.
Girls who would think it funny
that I called them girls.

I should be acting out
with those actually my age
but
ladies my age bore me
and
ladies my age
are not impressed by me
and
ladies my age
will not stand me.
I’m too old for this shit.

I wish
I could have grown old gracefully
or better
not at all.
I wish I’d done more of this
when it was appropriate
– or at least more so.

Mostly, though,
I wish I were not too old for this shit
and
that the drinks I’d served her
were stronger.