SANTA IS
(after Jon Berger)

Santa is a dude.
Santa is a dark dude.
Santa is a dark pinko dude.
Santa is a dark pinko surveilling dude.
Santa is a dark pinko surveilling dude who judges with a hidden metric.
Santa is a dark pinko surveilling dude who judges with a hidden metric and provides for everyone – like Jesus
or Stalin!

Santa is clearly a communist
who hides in some Siberian-style hinterland
where his cadre of compatriots
work in secret
disguised from the rest of us
with a discrete agenda
we can never know.
Santa is a terrorist.

Santa’s got a bunch of aliases
like Saint Nick
and Father Christmas
and the Fat Guy.
Santa may be connected,
youknowwhati’msayin’?

Santa pays no taxes.
Santa keeps short slaves.
Santa grows mutant animals
doing his hidden bidding
and will not share
his technological breakthroughs with the gub’mint.

Santa’s a mystery.
Santa’s a problem.
Santa defies borders
and rights to privacy
and home security.

Santa claims to be a force for good
but
how can we ever trust
such a secretive
criminally corpulent
eating-disordered
dark, dark dude?