SPEAK HONESTLY

Excuse me, sir,
but I would like to shake your hand.
I have seen you here for but a few minutes
but in that time, you have become
something of a hero to me.

You,
as fat,
and as ugly,
and, frankly, as smelly
as you are,
you’ve been able to catch
a girl as fine as that?

That is something
quite astounding.
Tell em, sir,
and speak honestly:
do you have fortunes?
Are you a drug runner?
A white slaver?
Perhaps you have blackmail opportunities,
though, really, you’d think any of those situations
would require better personal hygiene.

She is not the finest woman I have seen,
certainly, but
she is far, far
far far better than you seem to deserve.

How do you do it?
Can you share your secret?
Can you provide me
with the strategy,
the catch,
the singular mechanism
that a hideous monster like you
was able to trick a girl
into liking you?

I have to know.
I need to know…