She said
Can you get me a puppy?
and I looked around
because I didn’t think she was talking to me
because I didn’t know who she was
and I wasn’t sure what she meant.
Is that, like, a sexual term?
I asked
and she looked at me like I was the crazy one.

A puppy, man!
A puppy!
I want a puppy
and I thought you could be helpful in that regard.

Again,
I looked around
because I didn’t see how I
had been entered into this conversation.

While you’ve been looking at me slack-jawed,
she said,
a better man could have provided me with three puppies.
Are you a man at all?

…Yes?
I replied.

If you get me a puppy,
she said silkily,
I might think upon you
very kindly.

Look, I said.
I will get you a puppy.
I’ll provide you with what you need
support you in all your endeavors
if that makes you look at me that way again.
If you’ll let me,
I will get you all the puppies in the world!

Then go,
she said.
Go,
and get me my puppies
– and come back quick.

And I did.
Go, at least.
I left
on my nominal puppy quest
and ran back home and locked the door
because that bitch was a dog.