I think I hate my girlfriend
and her stupid cats
but she’s got a really great apartment
so I keep her around.

I’m not a big fan of change
and she’s a big fan of bills
– in her purse,
not in the mail.
She’s loaded, is what I’m saying.
She’s got dollars for donuts for days.
It makes up
for a whole lot of stupid behaviors
in bed.

I can’t stand how she smells
or the way she blinks
while watching television.
She’s kind of the worst
but the neighborhood is great.
No dog poop anywhere.
I can tolerate a lot
in the name of clean sheets.

Sometimes, after a vigorous attempt
at lovemaking
she holds me close
and whispers “I don’t deserve you.”
In moments like that
I close my eyes
(to avoid looking at her)
and say “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
I’m not lying.
She totally deserves what she gets.