When I was cruel
I said things
that I know I shouldn’t have.
I used words with you
so often
that were offensive and aggressive.
I didn’t mean to be mean
but I couldn’t find any other way to be
towards you
when I was cruel.

When I was cruel
I would question your ethics,
your intelligence.
I would argue about the proper placement
of all the paraphernalia
in your apartment.
I was just crazy with crushing questions
and would characteristically crash conversations
back when I was cruel.

When I was cruel
I was not sorry
for my sorry behavior.
I did what I had to
to survive
to thrive in alien environments.
I was bombastic and a boob,
being only a bastard
because I could think
of no other way to behave.

I was cruel.
I was callous.
I was calculating and conniving.
I don’t deserve forgiveness
nor shall I ask for it
but please know
that I know
how awful I was
when I was cruel.