The photographs you’ve taken of me
are, to be honest,
not very good.
You can’t seems capture the essence of my character,
the firm resolve in my eyes,
the wonderful wit in my chest hair.

In each and every shot I’ve seen
in your portfolio
you present me as a flabby,
flatulent fuckwit with little heroism
in his soul
but lots and lots of chins
all over his body.
How do you do that?

I don’t know if this is a matter
of composition or lighting
or not knowing your subject well enough
but I’ve found the results of our photo shoots
really dispiriting.

Do you think I might look thinner
in black and white?