If I’d known it was the last time,
I’d probably have done things differently.
I’d probably have done everything differently.
I would have watched you carefully
soaking in every last aspect
to remember and treasure forever
or longer.
I’d have offered you something
to remember me by
or something simply filthy.

If I’d known
that there would be no repetition
I’d have done anything I could
to seek repetition
probably
which would have left us
in no different a space.

I didn’t know how creepy I’d been
how freakish
how dangerous yet dull
I appeared to you
and anything I’d have done,
aware that I was about to receive that knowledge
along with walking papers
would have only hastened that very end.

Being me
there was probably no way
I could have changed trajectory
and being you
you’d probably not have cared much
had I made the effort.
The fix was in
and I was done.

I’m sorry it went down this way
– you have no idea how sorry –
but I’m glad I had the time with you I did, and
I still wish I’d known
and had done something better.