Spoils

Well, I see it now:
I lost and you won,
as if it was ever
actually a contest between us.
No, I have lost her heart
and you, clearly,
have gained the greatest prize
that any could ever treasure.

In honor of your great victory
I will offer you these words of warning
like Bush did for Clinton
or Hitler to Stalin.

She will want your honesty
in all things
so when she asks how those jeans look,
tell her.
She yearns for a partner
she can trust
even about horizontal stripes.

Though you must sometimes break the truth to her,
she still deserves nice things
even if she will not
always allow herself to have them.
So on occasion
you must surprise her
with that bottle of wine
or that video game
– even if she doesn’t know about it yet.
Treat her,
however expensive.
Use her money, of course.
She won’t miss it.

Don’t use condoms.
She hates the feel of latex.
Even if she says she wants to be safe
she secretly yearns
for a taste of danger.
Even if you slip it off
half way through,
she’ll thank you later.

Knowledgable and curious
as she may be,
there are areas where she lacks
the necessary education.
Provide to her
all the information you can
on any subject that arises.
Spare no detail.
Define mansplaining to her,
if it comes up.

There.
I hope this advice will serve you well
in your forever adventure
and, if,
in some inconceivable twist of fate
you and she are not a perfect match
and you do, eventually, part,
I hope you will do her next partner
the kindness of providing these suggestions
so he, too,
will know how to treat her.

If that happens
let me know.

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