Hey, it’s been a long time; now I see what you’ve been doing:
in all your missing months, it was a baby you’d been brewing!
Oh, just look at that thing! If it’s acclaim you are pursuing,
…Sure… But your brat’s a babe I shan’t be ‘gain a’viewing.

Your baby could be better suited covered by a mask
or stared at after drowning all one’s senses in a flask
or completing any sort of an eye-blinding kind of task.
If you wonder what I’m getting at, you needn’t have to ask:

Your kid’s ugly. I thought you should know.
It appears that you think otherwise and information flow
seems to spare the parents, so I opted to go
and offer my opinion that your kid’s an ugly ho.

Good going, you spawned! Congratulations.
In all recorded history, you are the only ones
who have accomplished this activity, amazed under the sun.
You deserve a bounty for a job well done.

But that bounty ain’t the beauty of the body on that kid.
And that face so loved by relatives is better off well-hid.
I think if Heaven auctioned looks, your child got overbid,
and was left resembling dinner that had off the table slid.

Your tyke’s appearance is simply not first-rate.
I don’t mean to give offense, but this isn’t a debate.
Surely you’re subjective ’bout your spanking new room-mate
but trust: what you’ve created? Just a mother couldn’t hate.

It’s possible the problem was how your genes combined
though you may well have asked, “Is that his unibrow… or mine?”
I think how you bred together was a danger sign
for the future of the world. Pray that’s it for your blood line.

But it’s clear in terms of coupling, you’ll continue to breed
and despite the superstorm you’ve reaped, you’ll pay my words no heed
for though results were hideous, the act is fun, indeed,
so you’ll issue out a further batch of evil demon seed.

Still, that baby’s ugly. Not one word more need be said
but knowing me, you knew, no doubt, that I would go ahead
and inform you that your boy’s the worst the world has ever tread
and naught could change my mind – unless, oh! She’s a girl instead…