I love you more than the world
and would do anything for you
but don’t ask me to give up meat
or cheese
or donuts
or extra-relational sex with the untested
or dumpster diving.

I will change anything you request
to stay together
except for my unnaturally close relationship
with my mother
and my affection for superhero comics
and my fashion sense.
And my prog rock.
And Juggalo Life.
That’s gotta stay.

I care.
I don’t want us to end.
I believe that we can work it out
and I will make every effort
to make the peace.
I can do the dishes
even more than half the time.
I can call if I’m gonna be late.
I can leave the seat down
in the bathroom
and not ask if it’s that time of the month
like, eight different times every month.
I’ll keep closer tabs on your calendar,
I swear.

I’ll try to cut down
on ogling your sisters
and your nieces
and your great grand aunt.
I promise,
I will do my very best.

Please, let me try
to be the man you deserve.
Let me remain in your life
unless this is all about
me shaving down there.
If it is,
I will have a fucking fit.
It itches…