Look, Optimum, it’s great
– really kind –
that you thought I’d enjoy faster internet
and decided to provide it to me
(though, I gotta say,
I never realized it.
You never told me
and I never experienced any pickup in speed),
but it seems a lot less great
and a lot less kind
that you charged me so much for it.
See, I’ll repeat,
I never realized you were changing me
since you never told me,
and sure, the info was provided
in my bills
– bills I never bothered to open
because you encourage customers to automatically pay
so that they don’t have to be bothered
to think about just what they’re paying for –
but I never saw the bills.
I never saw the bills
and I never saw the service
and you’re telling me
you’re cutting off the service
– that I never asked for
and never received –
because I haven’t paid the charge
that I had never recognized
in the first place.
But you won’t remove the charges
for the unrequested, unreceived unexperience
because I didn’t report them
(since you never told me).
All of this is to say, Optimum,
fuck you very much
for the awful service
and the awful customer service
and the awful awful awful processes.
I hate you
and really wish I didn’t need your service
to tell you
just how much I hate you.
Fuck you again, Optimum,
and fuck you with fervor.
Fuck you entirely
and fuck you roughly
and fuck you with the fury
of a thousand fucking tire fires.