Mother said that she knew
as soon as she saw
the body
collapsed on the floor
halfway in the bathroom
halfway in the hall
that it was no longer
a husband
no longer
a father
no longer a living/breathing thing
but rather a former/living/breathing thing.

Mother asked me when I knew.
“When the doctors called it,” I said,
but that is not entirely accurate
as an answer
because they only called it
when Mother announced
that he had a DNR order in place
which is a thing that occurred
only because I reminded her.

It is in this way
I suppose
that I killed my father.

I had spent
some time before
failing to resuscitate the man
then watched the medics
take a more relaxed approach
at attempting the same.
The fact that they were so calm
put me at ease.

In retrospect
they were probably
so laid back in their technique
because it was such a lost cause.

When they placed him in the ambulance
there was only space for one relative
so I brought the car to the hospital
and was looking for a parking space
while they cut the cord
on my daddy’s life.

Minutes later
I bid goodbye to his corpse.

It was around then
I suspect
I realized
he was a former/living/breathing thing.
So Mother, it seems,
was a bit quicker on the uptake than I.