Author Archives: Jonathan Berger

A tank will wank all the way to the bank when flanked by cranks who yank their shanks. Thanks.

What I think I’m about to do is really cool and I am, quite frankly, pretty stoked about it. I’m gonna apologize preemptively for the next piece which hasn’t even been conceived of yet. This is pretty ingenious. By getting … Continue reading →

The temperatures were right around freezing so snow wouldn’t melt. Ice Cube had a good day. The glass might have looked half full but it was really fully full and there was another half full glass right next to it … Continue reading →

I’ve been trying to model other people’s behavior in positivity. It’s not going too badly – but then I’d have to say that, wouldn’t I? Someone I know has been working on this happiness kick and it sounds like it’s … Continue reading →

The way the two of them argued yesterday was uncomfortable for everyone to witness. We were all there around them circling the fire of their polite antipathy. Pot shot after bon mot was hurled at each other and we got … Continue reading →

He said he had written his last anthem but refused to play it for fear that once it was played, his world would shatter and all would be as crust on old moldy bread that had somehow inexplicably shattered. So … Continue reading →

Allow me to posit the following: For every Elvis Costello there are, out there, a thousand Elton Motellos, (writing their songs from a backing track they bought from a record label) and for every Elvis Costello there is one millionth … Continue reading →

There is no one I know within 60 Blocks of my home. With my car, with trains, with civilization firmly in place, that means little. It means next to nothing. If the power goes out that seems like a lot … Continue reading →

 My mother who occupies much of my attention is getting older. This may be a shock to no one. She may not be alone in the phenomenon of “getting older” that I referred to but it is of a … Continue reading →

Death versus argyle: who would win? Kumquats versus Schenectady: who would win? The Who versus “With a Little Help From My Friends”: who would win? What if it was the Joe Cocker version? Joe Cocker versus the Cocteau Twins: who … Continue reading →