jonberger

I don’t care what you say
about reactionary politics
or a return to the middle
from the youth of today.
Family Values are dying.

For example
my nephew’s fiancé will not sleep with me.
Consistently
she resists my requests.
She is adamant
against my familial demands.

I try to explain to her
the requirements of our brood,
how the elders get to get some,
but she keeps asking for evidence
and I have no books to turn to.
Still, it’s clear:
Family values equal motherfucking.
Family values mean cum.

Do you have any idea
how much
I want to fuck that future niece-in-law?
Oh my god;
like
THIS much.
And I’m not even using my hands,
you get me?

But every time we come together
– the greater family –
she gives me her distance.
Her boy is no better
totally unwilling
to plead my case to her.

It’s enough
for me to cry
in the face of this new generation
as I want her to cry
passionately before me.
It seems, though,
it is not to be.

Truly
family values are dead.

In elementary school
on a class trip
we went to St. John’s
and I was taken by the spirit of the Lord
which I found
because the architecture was so groovy.

I was lost
among the glorious stained glass
so bright and colorful
awe-struck.
I rushed home
to break the news
to my Jew Dad.
Mine was not a religious upbringing
but I knew which God
buttered my bread
and what my Dad would say about it.

He explained to me
that Jews built buildings, too,
and talked about ruins in Israel
and Synagogues the world over
and asked me to think over my desire to convert
and we’d discuss the topic later.

Jesus had already exited me
by the end of that conversation.
I was saved from the Christian faith
by my father’s stalling tactics
and my own childhood inertia.

The sweets you left
from our last good night
were left waiting for you
for months.
I couldn’t stand it anymore
and I ate then.

They were melted, warped
nowhere near the condition
you’d left them in.
Still
they were sweet
and I should thank you for them.
Someday
I will.

You have to give me another chance.
I realize this was not the first date
that either of us wanted
and I know I can do better
if you let me.

If you have faith,
anything is possible
and I have faith
that we can improve
on what has gone before.

I will take you dancing
and not to a place
just featuring topless dancers.
No midnight cemetery trips will be included
in our upcoming itinerary.
I will bathe before the date
and, if necessary,
during.

If you have additional amendments
to the behavior presented
in V. 1 of our dating history,
lay it on me.
I can take criticism well.

Oh! Also,
I will not critique your eating habits
at all
unless you ask.

Thank you
Mister Gym Teacher
for all your dedication
work and drive
making me into the figure
of health and fitness
you see before you.

Understand
what you have wrought.
Realize
the being supreme
I have become.
You made me what I am
and I have you
and only you
to thank.

I can do a layup
and run around a circle
and stare forlornly at a rope.
These are but a few of the skills
I have learned
from your tutelage.

I am what you have made me
and I owe everything to you.
Look upon your great works,
Mister G.T.
and despair!

She said there is no such word
as Adulting
and I said there is no such word
as anything
until someone says it.

Words exist
because of speakers..
Speakers use words
to communicate.
If the words communicate
how are they not words?

There are books that tell us the words,
she reminded me,
they are called dictionaries.
Those are words that have existed,
I replied,
what about the new ones?

What about Drumpfed
and Revirginalized
or Inglitian
or Adulted
or Tantronic?

She asked me what tantronic meant
and I said
I don’t know!
But you kinda got the others, didn’t you?

She didn’t have anything to say to that
but then
she didn’t have anything
to say to any of it
because I did not say it to her
with words
and so
we failed to communicate.

Kill me now.
Hang me with a hemp rope
and let me dangle
drift away
become departed
no longer desperate, despairing,
disparaging all life.
Give me a different destiny.
Kill me now.

Kill me now.
Leave me quiet.
End my pain.
Tend my suicide
march me off this mortal coil.
Eternity awaits;
greeting it is all I seek now
out of this life.
Kill me now.

Kill me now.
Bring me peace.
Let me go.
Free me
from all of this.
Kill me now.

I looked up to the clouds
for a sky-written message
as to where you were
and what you wanted.
Nothing but blue skies.

I bought some tea leaves
and threw them about the table
to see
if you were thinking of me
and ended up having
to vac it all up.

I slit a sacrificial lamb in two
then had to dress it and cook it
since the blood left me no good hints.

I went to a voodoo lady
a gypsy lady
and a really smart stock lady
and none of them gave a view
about what you were up to.

I danced naked under the smog
which covered the stars
which meant there were less lights
for people to see my fat naked dancing.
I got no closer to
your whereabouts.

I don’t know
anymore
how to find out
what’s up with you
other than this last ditch attempt
to reach out
and ask
“What’s up?”

She took me upstairs with her
and asked if I wanted to get high.
I said no
because I didn’t do things like that
but I didn’t mind if she did
so she did
and looked at me
after smoking
and
she waited.

Eventually
we went out to a show
or a bar
or something
and the next week
I saw her holding hands
with a boy
whom she eventually married.

I didn’t smoke with her
because I don’t smoke
because I don’t like losing control
and being at someone’s mercy
and so I was never at her mercy
and they have
a bubbly baby boy
who is blond
and a beautiful little girl
who is blonde.

I don’t want to leave you in suspense.
The story ends well.
I didn’t die
– as you probably can tell,
but it was touch and go
for a while there.

It was dangerous
somewhere in the middle
but I persevered
and it worked out
for the best – or
as well as you see before you.
I’m all right.

I survived
and grew past it
and am now
no longer living in that story
but rather another one
with you
and me
and
I think I’ve gotten off the point.

It was happily ever after
is what I’m saying.
It worked out.
I didn’t die.