jonberger

I was asked recently
when I was happiest and
I am not prepared to answer that question.
It is hard
to come up with absolutes like that.

I do remember, though,
a time
when we rode a subway together
and you leaned into me
while my arm wrapped around you.
You didn’t seem to care who saw
and we just fell into each other.

It was fine.
It was one of the last times
it was good
before it got so bad
for me.
So I don’t think of that too often
because I can’t help but recall
how those times ended
but that moment
– in the moment –
that was pretty great.

And I know you’ll say something
about that perfect cheesecake
or when that hipster dude said something so ironic
or maybe when your kid was born
but for me
that train ride was nice.

It would have been nice to see you
I think
but the way we’d left things
I’m not all that broken up
that we missed the opportunity.

It could have gone one of two ways.
Sorry,
that was ridiculously dualist of me:
It could have gone in an infinite number of ways,
but I’ll bet it would have been either tepid
or ugly.
The odds
that our former heat
would have been reignited
seems to me small indeed.

Maybe we’ll get another chance
to get it right.
Maybe we’ll see each other again
and it’ll be as wonderful
as it once was
but
I’m betting
it’ll go one of the other infinite ways.

There’s got to be a way
to get a message through
to express to you
how I’ve been remembering you.

There’s no direct communication.
I don’t have a number
and I’ve blacked out your address
not that I could stop by
anymore.

All that I can think of
is a Blair Witch Signal
fingers to temples
reaching out to the ether
and hoping you’ll find my words there
waiting for you
saying what
I can no longer.

Hear me.

I think
with enough space and distance
I can admit
that when you asked me to drive you somewhere
anywhere
I didn’t know where I was going.

I just put the car in gear
and went forward.

Maybe that’s what you really wanted.
Maybe you wanted
me out of my comfort zone
so we could experience something new
together.

I was definitely out of my comfort zone
driving lost
in lower Brooklyn.

And
I suppose
I figured out where I was
since we’re not still driving around
Brooklyn today.
So it worked out.

I hope you enjoyed
what you saw
and experienced something new
with me
as I did with you.

There’s something else to consider.
If we don’t do anything
the issue might resolve itself.
It’s happened for other things
like, how
we were worried about how Grandma was failing
and then she upped and died
so we didn’t have to figure out how to care for her.

Or how we didn’t want to walk
the fifteen blocks to the barbecue place
but then somebody said it has shut its doors
two years back
so we ordered Cuban instead?

Like that.
If we just wait
long enough
there might be.a happily ever after
in the making.

If you wait long enough
there almost always is.

When those telepathy machines go public
can you maybe please
not get one?
I know
you’re an early adopter
of all sorts of tech
but
if you could just give this one a miss
I’d really appreciate it.

No
I’m sure it’s great.
Lets you read the minds
of your nearest and dearest
like the back of a comic book
– neat…

It’s just
there are some things
we should be able to keep private, right?
Thoughts, opinions
it’s better not to share.
Like
your thoughts on my plaid pants collection
and what you did with Chad?

No, I’m not cheating.
It’s not about that.
It’s about
the things
we’re too smart to share.
The ideas
we might have
about one another
that it would be better
we don’t ask,
don’t tell.

So
do you think
when telepathy
becomes available
it can remain unavailable
for us?

No?
Oh.
Neat.

I voted today
even though
I feel disenfranchised
by my ignorance
and inability to focus
on the issues
and fear of asking anyone
to clarify them for me.

As always
it seems
the process will pass me by
and I will discover
what I should have done
after the fact
sometimes by years.

I have lived through so much of history
and only knew of it
after the fact
thanks to my own stupidity
and fear.

But at least I voted.
Go Kodos!

Dear God,
In addition
to all the other stuff I was just asking for
I’d like to make the following amendments:

I could really use a loan.
Not much.
Just something to keep me going
until my uncle gets back to town.
It would really help a lot.

Please don’t tell anybody
about my small penis
and my lacking control thereof.
This is information
that nobody needs to have.
Nobody else, I mean.

Lastly,
I’ve got a girl coming by tomorrow.
Do you think you could tidy the place up
just a bit?
Just like
run a mop all over
if you’ve got the time.

Anyway, thanks.
Yours in Jesus,
Jon.

Shit.
Oh, damn.
GodDAMNit!
Fuckity shit.
Let it not be so.

Please, God in Heaven
whose existence I constantly question
even after you helped me
get Amazing Spider-Man number fifteen
all those years ago,
do me this solid:
Do not let me get that job.

I am not qualified.
I do not want it.
I would under perform
– and the job’s beneath me.
Wouldn’t you want me living
up to my potential?
How could I do that there?

Look, God,
the interview went well
even while I was trying to tank it.
Can I help it you made me so damned charming?
Durned. I meant durned, God.
No offense.
They were fooled completely.
Please let them see the truth.

If I’m offered the job
I’ll have to take it.
I have no excuse not to.
The bosses
unemployment
my parents and my own identity know
I have nothing better to do
than work for the Man.
I’ll take the job
and I’ll have to wake up
and I’ll have to smile
and I’ll have to do work.

How will I finish my screenplay that way
God?
How will I learn to play slide bass?
I need time.
I need no work.
Please, Big Guy,
help me out
and let them find someone qualified.
If you do
I’ll donate my Spider Number Fifteen to science –
To God!
I meant you.
I’ll give it to you.
PLEASE!

I couldn’t do it.
I didn’t have it in me.
I was unable to stick it out
and see the thing through.
I couldn’t put it together.
I didn’t have the energy.
I was not man enough
to take us to the other side.
I’m sorry.
Good night.