Ed Asner or Mister Ed:
Who’s more thin?
Batman or Spider-Man:
Who’s more thin?
This joke or Audrey Hepburn:
Who’s more thin?
What is thinner:
The credibility of the Grand Old Party
or the record of achievements
of their last president?
Zeno’s distance or the width of Occam’s razor:
Who’s more thin?
My patience or anorexic patients:
Who’s more thin?
Me today or me yesterday:
For God’s sake,
WHICH ONE IS MORE THIN?
I know you’re all fumious
and everything
and don’t want
to talk about it anymore
but while we’re not speaking
I just want you to remember
the earrings I got you.
They were pretty nice weren’t they
– before you exchanged them?
I bought you nineteen dinners
four lunches
eighty two breakfasts
and over a hundred taxis
– and I don’t even believe in taxis.
I’m a public transportation dude
all the way!
I got you flowers
on those three occasions
and candy fucking countless times.
I mean, sure,
we shared that
but the packaging was all for you.
I visited your parents all those times,
even when your pops called me “unsuitable.”
I sat there and took it
like a man
when I could have left to watch a new episode
of Big Bang.
I stayed
and I’d like
if not full restitution
for all I’ve done
at least some credit.
Think you can offer that?
Do you?
Hello?
You can tell me anything
about what you’re thinking
where you’re going
who you’re wanting
what you’ve been doing those late nights
when I’m nowhere near
and wondering how you are.
You can talk to me
about the feelings
the fears
the frustrations
and furies
you’re going through.
We can share.
We can speak.
We can go through any topic
any subject
any issue that concerns you.
We can hash it all out
after the show’s over.
You can share
about whatever
but really
I wish you wouldn’t.
There is value
in that thing in your stomach.
Take advantage of it.
Exploit your fear.
Use it for something
constructive
though it is one of the most destructive forces
at your disposal.
But it is a tool
in your arsenal
so remember it
and be sure
to let it fuel you
to funnel your prey-instincts
into a thing of value.
Let fear guide you.
Let fear drive you
Let fear stop you
from the stupid dangerous actions
you would consider
and direct you
to a wiser course,
Fear can be your friend
if you allow it.
Know this.
Exploit your friend.
You don’t need to tune on-stage.
It’s all right
if you don’t share that part of the process
with all of us.
Thank you for telling me about a gig
that will be competing
against the event we are all at.
Also:
thank you for the flyer
that I did not ask for.
No,
I do not think so.
Your singalong song sucks
and
I will not be singing along.
When you tell me
how you didn’t practice
or finish the song
or you’re really drunk
or all the other advance apologies,
it lets me know
not to bother listening
to your crap.
Your warning is very much appreciated.
When you’re done playing “Hallelujah,”
please stay in one place
so I may most easily
beat you senseless
– more senseless than you were.
Thanks in advance.
Check it:
Your heart’s in the right place
I’m sure
and I appreciate the advice
but please
stop telling me what to do.
I’m not your husband
or boyfriend
or even friend
these days.
But more
you lack the credentials.
Your sense of authority is ill-won;
with no experience
or successes.
You have nothing to support
your delusional sense of entitlement.
You should be listening to advice
not giving it.
And no,
I’m not offering this to you
as a tip.
I am simply asking you
to stow it.
I wish I knew you better.
I wish I’d acted better.
I wish I gambled less
or at least was a better bettor.
I tried.
I dared.
I failed
and lost it all – down to the letter.
I wish…
I wish it were different.
I should’ve kissed you every chance I got.
I wish I knew what you wanted
though in retrospect
it seems so obvious.
I wish I wasn’t so stupid.
I wish I wasn’t stupid at all.
I wish I weren’t struck dumb around you now
on the occasions I get to see you.
I wish I tried harder
when there was the possibility
it could’ve done a lick of good.
And don’t get me started
on what I wish about licking…
I wish
I think
I wish I were a different person
who acted differently in almost every situation
so that I could have pleased you
which would have pleased me
which, maybe
would have been pleasant all around.
I wish
I wish.
That’s it.
I’ve found the newer you.
She’s younger blonder
prettier and healthier.
She’s smart and vibrant
– like you used to be
and she’s willing to do so many things that you won’t
like dance til dawn
make love in moonlight
or sacrifice pigs at the strike of noon.
She’s exciting
and athletic
and loving
and willing
– she’s so much like you
but so much more.
She is You Two point Oh
and so impressive at it
and I would love her more than you,
too
if I could
but
like you
she has no use for me
– only more so.
You say it’s not my fault
that you don’t blame me
but I don’t believe you.
I think you’re lying
– maybe to yourself
but you’re mad as hell
and you’re not gonna take it anymore.
I think you’re quietly seething
over my behavior
and my stupid,
stupid choices.
I think you’d have me dead
if your sideeyes and sneers
are to be believed.
I think you hate me a little
despite all claims to the contrary.
I think the timber of your voice
clipped word choice
lack of inflection
all tell me more
about your feelings
than words
right now.
I think you’re angry as fuck
and the fact that you’re not admitting it
it making me frustrated
and furious as fuck
and, for God’s sake,
will you just smack me and get this over with?
The love in this room is palpable,
as is the sorrow.
We miss you
– all of us.
You may not return anytime soon
but still
you’re with us
at least a little bit.
If you can
remember us
as we have for you.
Safe travels.
jonberger 