jonberger

Somebody told me
that no one deserves to be in love
with someone who doesn’t love them back
and that anyone who found themselves
in that situation
should look for a partner
who could reciprocate their love.

For years
I didn’t understand the statement
not having a core of self
to believe that i deserved anything better.
I thought unrequited love
was the best love
the only true love
for a romantic to have.

But now my life has changed
in oh, so many ways
and I get it.
I see that love is something
that can be shared.
Love is something for two people
not one.
I see it.
I understand
I simply reject it
for myself.

I will stay in the bushes
watching the object of my affection
so it need not be sullied
by mortal things.
It is for the best.
It is what I deserve.

The, uh…
the incident,
that was unfortunate,
I admit.
That was not my best work
– not like a long shot.

Things were said.
Actions were initiated
and executed
and, upon examination
should be excused.
I’d like to do something
to offer up some sort of restitution
– nothing too drastic, mind –
but perhaps an action
that could provide peace of mind.

If you feel
like our interactions
have not been as satisfactory
as you would like
and please let me know
if there’s anything I could do
to improve the situation.

….well?
Look,
I said I was sorry once already.
Do I have to repeat it?
I’ll do it
if that’ll shut this down.

Call me crazy
but when I was a kid
45 degrees was a real thing
with real conditions
and circumstances.
45 degrees didn’t used to mean
what it does today.
45 degrees was significant!
45 degrees was important.

45 degrees was the melting point of semen.
45 degrees was a left angle.
45 degrees was the number of educational credentials Asimov had
– and I’ll bet you don’t even know the (future) history of Foundation,
do you?
Caesar’s ghost…

We didn’t wear coats at that temperature.
We didn’t wear shoes.
Back in the day,
45 degrees was something that people
understood
that they spoke of reverently
that they loved.

Kids today don’t understand 45 degrees
not like they should
not like they did
and that
I think
Is most what’s wrong with your generation,
thanks for asking.

I am so sick to death
of this fucking distance between us.
For too long
we have been too far apart
and though absence makes the heart grow fonder,
out of sight, out of mind
and birds of a feather flock together
whatever that may mean.

I wish we could talk about it
I wish you were here
or I was there
or somewhere in between lay a chalet
that we shared
where we could go
for weekends away.

This?
This sucks.
I want to be closer.
I want to share something.
I want to have you
somehow
even if we can’t touch.

I want
to talk to you
about us
all the time
even though I know
that is not enough.

You have to stop loving me
she said
for the eightieth time.
It is too much.
It has been too long.
It’s two years since we saw each other
and
this is unhealthy.

You need a form of help
that I cannot provide.
No – won’t.
I will not provide the help you need.
I lack the will
– or inclination.

But you
are holding onto a past
that never was
what you hoped.
It is not my problem
how attached you got
to untenable goals
like me.

I do not love you
and frankly
might not have back then
when you gave me
some small reason to.

It is time you moved on
she said tiredly.
well past time, in fact.
You have to stop loving me
or else I’m calling the cops.

When you’re going about your day?
When you’re going about your life…?
When you think everything’s normal
everything is average
everything is anticipated,
just the per diem expectation?

And then suddenly
without even looking for it
you stumble upon something
something sublime?
Something imperceptibly perfect?
Something that is somehow
fundamentally irreconcilable with your former existence?
Something that,
something that
simply by being there
is enough to challenge all your preconceptions and prejudices?

And you have to consider this new thing
this sublimity that has entered your life
and you realize there is a crossroads before you
an opportunity to change
to grow
to become your destiny
or at least to alter your current existence at a subatomic level?

And you wonder at your life
and the things that brought you
to that place and that little but of revelation
and ask yourself if you have it in you
to accept the change
and to bravely transform
as you have always wanted?

And in the deepest
darkest parts of your soul
you realize you are not that brave
not prepared to become what you are
or could have been
before that tiny bit of nirvana
entered your wretched life?
And you may never be worthy of
peace
of joy
of happiness?

It’s been that kind of week.

After I came all this way
the least you could have done
was offer me a place to stay.
No, I take it back.
I guess the least you could do
was agree to pick me up at the bus station
then not return any of my calls
for the rest of the night
– which you did –
so
mission accomplished, I guess.

All in all
I was really disappointed by my visit.
I had hoped
secretly
that I could occupy most of your time
night and day
and night.

I wanted more than was feasible
I see now.
After the fact
I can recognize
that we needed this trip
this time
to recognize what we were to each other
and that was wrong.
I get that the more you know about me
the less you’ll want to know about me
but I didn’t imagine how mutual
the feeling could be.

We are probably
never going to kiss again
which is sad
but also fine.

But I probably will not revisit your town.
If I had the choice
I wouldn’t go there again.
Still
thank you for the hospitality
that you did offer
such as it was.

I’ll see you
whenever.

Please understand:
if I do not go to your show
it is no reflection on you
unless you stand by the quality of your work
in which case
yeah
you should probably do better.

If there is an act
whose members I like
but the musical output is subpar
well
I will simply miss that act.

No offense to you
if your band is bad
it is simply a matter of taste.
I like good things.
Your band
is not.

It is simple math.
There are too many groups
in the world
for them all to be good.
With enough practice
yours could join the ranks of quality
but the odds
are against it.

Please understand this
and don’t blame me
if I walk out during your show
crying “this stinks!”
Blame yourself.

The last time I saw The Wall
which was the first time I saw The Wall
(making it kind of my last waltz with The Wall)
was pretty intense.
I was kind of high
on Tab Cola
one of those Big Gulp grotesqueries
just filled to the brim
that filled me to the brim.

As the psychedelia played before me
I started to see some sort of vision
and as the kids harmonized
full of piss and vinegar,
I was filled with just one of them.

My eyes
rolled to the back of my head
I really had to rush to the bathroom
but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t afford to miss a thing.
It’s not like there was a plot
per se
but
I had to sit it out
or squirm it out
to be more true.

The end of the film was excruciating
and not just because of what happened.
The torture of the final scenes
was exacerbated
by my exasperated bladder
that was yearning to expunge.
The minute the credits ran
so did I
and freedom tasted sweet.

It has been like that lately
with my needing to get away
get a breath
get some sleep
but knowing that any minute like that
would be spent
away from you.

I’ve had to go so badly
but I’m not going anywhere.
So
you’ve never seen The Wall?
We should check it out some time…

Nobody told me.
Nobody said a thing.
No one thought to give me word
that Tom Lehrer
greatest satirical songwriter of his generation
and many others to come
was gone.
Dead.
D E A D
like a door noodle.

Tom Lehrer died
and nobody saw fit to tell me?
I was his biggest fan!
Well
widest fan
maybe.
But I cared
and, dammit,
someone should have seen fit to inform me.
I deserved to know.

I love him
from a distance.
His songs were great.
I sang “Pollution” and “Be Prepared”
in grade school
and my first fanzine?
Named after one of his math songs.

I should’ve known.
I would’ve done something.

What?
He’s alive?
Thank GOD!
But… retired?
Well, fuck him then.