I want to show you
the special magic
of staying with it
til the job is done
but if you don’t have it in you
I don’t see how I’m going to be able to convince you.
Quitters gonna quit
and I can’t make a leopard change its spots
if it doesn’t believe it can.
You change your mind,
you know where to find me.
It is sobering, tonight,
walking in this strange town
where nobody knows my name
and realizing
if I disappear from here
it will take days
for anyone to recognize
that I am gone.
No one expects to hear from me
until I get back to town
and by then
my trail would have gone cold
if anything were to have mysteriously happened.
The manhunt would have little to go on
if anybody cared to hunt for this man.
But who would go to the effort?
Who would bother looking?
Who would know to send out the hounds?
Who would set the reward?
Who would see the value in a reward?
Who would see the value in me?
There is something about the monsters
that are smaller than humans.
The creatures that frighten us
not by size
not with strength
but with some other factor
that brings the terror
in some subtler way.
The monsters like microbes.
The monsters like gay panic.
The monsters like rats.
Creatures like these destroy so easily.
This is how muppets got their start:
tiny monsters doing their best to horrify.
Lucy Sante after reading from her recent memoir
explained that she wasn’t ready to transition
until she was sixty six
partially because she was ignorant of the possibility,
partially because she was in denial,
and partially because there were things she wanted to do.
“When you transition,” Sante said,
“that becomes who you are. It’s your job,
your identity.
I had other things to do.”
Now, while Sante explores being a woman,
she is also exploring the full-time job
of being in transition
publicly.
It’s a brave identity to take on.
It’s damned brave.
When I first discovered you, Lovely, you were all that my head could contain
but as our months have soldiered on I’ve found other things in my brain.
Though it’s true that you fill me with wonder and I swear I still think that you’re great,
I can’t deny a grocer’s caught my eye and I’d love to show her a date.
Lovely, I swear on my cross-ed heart, you’ve never been out of my mind,
but now I see someone who cannot be outdone, and the old me is now undefined.
I swore I’d adore you forever back when younger passions ran hot. I thought I would be less deceitful than that; I’m so saddened to see that I’m not.
Oh, my dear: my heart was untrue. When push came to shove, I failed to love you.
Oh, Lovely, after all of my promises, I know what you must think of me.
But looks can sometimes be deceiving, so you needn’t believe what you see.
Yes, I’m betraying the oaths that I swore, or so it apparently seems.
But just hear me out: what if this here right now was in fact one of those stomachache dreams?
Perhaps I’m not really leaving you and maybe you’re really asleep.
So just stay real still and go swallow this pill while I leave without another peep.
But of course this has actually happened and I’ve taken all of my stuff
plus a whole lot of yours – yours was better, of course – no one said that breakups weren’t rough.
Oh, sweet Lovely: I’m so sorry dear. I hope you get over this; maybe next year.
Out there with your friends playing in the park
knowing things might be getting crazy after dark.
No one’s there to catch you when no one there can see
but sooner or later you will have to pay the fee.
Even if you find you can escape into the night
by the morning you’ll discover your tracks visible in light.
The clues to all your actions will lead direct to you
and the sun will make quite visible everything you do.
Big sun rays are gonna come your way.
If you see ‘em, just know they’re gonna have their say.
The big sun rays are really gonna sing.
Eventually they’ll shine on everything.
You think your alibis will keep you free from blame.
You’re in no way at all unique. Everyone’s the same
in thinking they’ll escape into a fog of amnesty
but nobody can dare to ride the Wheel of Life for free.
You know what’s inside you, but so will the nation.
The news will soon be known by me as well as everyone.
You may try to hide your crimes where the stars won’t shine,
but the big sun rays will find them every time.
The big sun rays are coming down your way.
When you see ‘em, know they’re gonna have their say.
The big sun rays are really gonna pierce.
When they hit you, you’ll feel somethin’ fierce!
When I finally begin the painful process
of removing that which is unnecessary from my life
here is a partial list of what is going to go.
Be on warning, all of you below:
XXXL clothing.
Magazines that I haven’t read from fifteen years ago.
Peanut butter.
Sheets from a twin bed when I sleep on a queen.
The empty bookshelf that I keep “just in case.”
Canned goods from fifteen years ago.
The drawer of pictures from my great-aunt that I keep thinking I’ll be able to identify.
I don’t know how more time is going to be able to make me
more familiar with the faces of these people I never met.
Your old paintings.
Electronic goods I haven’t used from fifteen years ago.
The old medicines that I hope might actually be party drugs
(mostly seem to be stool softeners.
Should give them a last look before tossing).
Grandpa’s ashes, which never seemed to make it to the old country.
Ice cream cake.
Yesterday.
Word on the street
is that you’re experiencing technical difficulties.
I would like to be able to help you
with your problems
but I am also experiencing technical difficulties.
It appears the whole world
is experiencing technical difficulties.
In this we are one.
Can we take a moment
to appreciate
the solemnity of that experience?
Share in our universal commonality?
Now, does it seem
that your web searches
do not provide you the precise responses
you seek because of vague questioning?
Yeah, it it will do that.
A furious tide ahead,
you sit beside the beach
a book on your knees
sand blowing onto the pages,
distracting you from the thing
you know you must do:
conquer the waves.
Fight the sea.
The salty water knows what it has done,
challenging you.
Threatened your family.
You cannot abide by that.
You must protect your parents
your cousins
and the others
– much as you may hate them right now.
This constant challenge must be accepted
and overtaken.
Finally, when the barrage becomes too much,
you close the book and say “I must go.
The waves call. I must see to them.”
“Fine,” The woman at your side says,
“Be careful. And take Simon.”
You blanch.
“Must I? He never takes it seriously!”
Simon looks at the two of you, bored
but the woman will brook no disobedience.
“Go with your father, Simon.
Don’t let him get into too much trouble.”
You two go to the waves grumbling,
ready at last
to accept the great challenge.
There are many artists
in my musical community
that are much respected
by the rank and file.
I do not always agree with the rank and file.
I’ve been a music critic but,
lacking actual musical comprehension,
it may be that my appreciation is limited.
Of course, like anyone,
I know what I like
and can describe it well enough,
which is what I did as a critic.
I tried to only write about things I liked,
so as not to knock artists.
Why waste column inches to insult someone
– unless you had something really entertaining to say?
But there were loads of uninteresting artists
that the cognoscenti were into:
just boring, overwrought,
simplistic or derivative folk.
People I just didn’t get.
Some times, I changed my mind later
More often, I stuck to my guns,
even as some acts began to score accolades
from the outside world
and got write-ups from Rolling Stone
and The New York Times.
So my opinion isn’t always consistent
with the general public’s,
but that might be why I’m on the fringes of society
living outside of mainstream culture.
Perhaps that’s why I am the way I am
and why some of these artists
are the “pop geniuses”
they are today.
jonberger 