What do I want for Christmas?
Is that what you’re asking?
Is this idle curiosity
or are you actually offering something?
I guess I’d like you bound, goggled
in leather and tinsel
beneath my well-lit tree.
So I suppose i want a tree, too,
as it was back in pagan days
with naked children dancing,
prancing cupids and vixens
screaming profanities, heresies
and various biological impossibilities.
I want an end to gun control
with bullets flying above the sky,
ignoring laws of man and physics.
I want life different and dangerous,
dire and deadly in these darkest days of the year.
I want to forget everything from puberty
except the masturbation
– that was cool.
Oh, and I want to masturbate.
That’s what I want for Christmas
– or peace and goodwill.