Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover (Completist Revision)

Paul Simon is a pretty talented guy
but he is known in song on days to tell a lie.
He sang, if you listen close, of solely three modi
back in the hit, “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.”
See, in the chorus he just tended to repeat
and so the title’s promise ended in abject defeat.
He offered fifty but fulfilled little more than just a Tweet.
He only gave seven ways to leave your lover.
So here are forty three more ways to leave your lover.

Go screw your gal’s pal, Hal.
Get her sent to jail, Gayle.
You can stab her in the gut, Helmut,
or maybe in the eye.
Steal your girlfriend’s kidney, Sidney
and when accused ask if “you’re kiddin’ me”
Make a fool out of anyone, son
and then shit in her pie.

There are excuses as to why Simon was lazy.
After all these crazy years, that winter’s sort of hazy.
Still that track back in the seventies reached number one; amazy!
When he shorted us forty three ways to leave a lover.
For restitution of this forty-year-old fact
today’s the day to offer ways to fill in that lack
and make your lovelife go to red back from the black
so here we go: some more ways to leave your lover.

Call her cousin a dolt, Holt.
Beat her uncle with a stick, Nick.
Break all her niece’s toys, Roy
and her grandmama’s heart.
Throw her poppa off the bus, Gus,
while embezzling his daughter’s trust.
Request anal rape, y’ape;
spread those cheeks a-part.

As this continues it may well dawn onto you,
these ways ain’t easy and I still need thirty two.
It’s possible that to Paulie some credit is well due
for providing seven ways to leave a lover.
Hm… six more verses I’ll require at this rate
and if I am too subtle, it may end up being eight.
If it takes this long to exit, how will I have time to date?
It’s hard to find fifty ways to leave a lover.

Suggest to Kate that you separate.
Get a quickie divorce, of course.
Provide forms for annulment, Trent.
Declare yourself dead.
Poison her meal, Anil
or fill her with cold steel.
Sleep in your stepson’s bed, Ned.
Ask to be unwed.

All right, it’s obviously time to step it up;
throw spaghetti at the wall to break a couple up.
If you stay, it gets real messy. If you leave, then it stays up.
Is that a way?
Hey! you could also disappear into the night.
or stop accepting calls, thus avoiding any fight.
Or go the other way; and claim her mother’s pussy’s tight
which means you’ve got thirty ways to leave your lover.

Get caught with a trick, Mick.
Move to a new place, Ace.
Start a prison term, Sherm.
Never agree.
Change the number on your phone, Cohen.
Or never leave her alone…
In her mouth be free with wee.
Leave (make like a tree)!

Jesus, it’s exhausting; this project Simon started.
At first it seemed so simple, but I see why he departed
from the process of coming up with ways that could be charted
including death as a way to leave his lover.
There’s always spindle, fold or mutilate
or never call her up, to make that second date.
Really it amounts to being what it is she’d hate.
That’s basically the best way to leave your lover.

Serve raw fish for salmonella, Stella.
Claim she beat an orphan, Jonathan.
Veto all of her bills, Will.
Make sure you’re no fun.
Just take her dad’s cash, Ash
or something else just as rash.
Invent new ways to be cruel, Lemuel
to reach fifty one.

About Jonathan Berger

I used to write quite a bit more.
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