Reasons to Stop Thinking About Amelia

She’s too young for you.
She doesn’t like the same comics as you.
She doesn’t like comics.
She drinks too much.
She drinks hard stuff.
She laughs at the pansy-ass stuff you drink.
The way she laughs distracts you,
making you accidentally bump into people
who are sometimes much bigger than you
and much quicker
to want to bonk you on the head.
She laughs when people much bigger than you
do happen to bonk you on the head.
She uses phrases like “bonk you on the head.”
She owns three thesauruses
but always treats you like a personal synonym bank.

She’s much more athletic than you.
She always tells you what to do.
She doesn’t want to go to the gym with you
even though you bet she’d look great in yoga pants.
She looks much better in your clothes
than you do.

Her accent makes her sound unsophisticated.
She may be unsophisticated.
You’re so besotted with her,
what you once thought of
as “unsophisticated” or “rude,”
you now think of as “direct” or “frank.”
You think you can’t trust your thoughts anymore.
You know you can’t trust your feelings anymore.

She never spends enough time with you.
She has a boyfriend
who is very jealous
despite the fact that he is fully aware
and somewhat friendly
with her husband.

She’s a very selfish lover.
She’s a very intoxicating lover.
She’s a very dangerous lover.
She’s very dangerous for you.
She’s so addictive,
no matter the reasons you have
to avoid her,
you know full well
you never will.

About Jonathan Berger

I used to write quite a bit more.
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